I haven’t had time to put fingers to keys. Life is rambling on at rapid speed and days turn into months so quickly that I can barely grasp the memory of the moment before I am on to the next.
I’m into this amazing thing lately. It’s called gratitude. I feel like a cheesy fucking Hallmark card sometimes.
When the wind stirs around me, the sun shines on my face and my hair gets caught in my lip gloss I just think….Jesus Christ I am so lucky. To feel this – to see all of this. To be here. I don’t quite believe I have ever actually felt true gratitude the way that I do these days.
And trust me, there are still shit days…but they sort of roll like water off of oily skin and soon enough, I am back to the good. I know that I spent the entire year working to get to this place and I don’t regret a moment. Not even the icky bits. Solitude does have its perks.
I don’t think a lot of people feel much gratitude. I didn’t for a long time. I was always focused on the what wasn’t or isn’t or couldn’t be. Something happened this year. I think I tossed all that bullshit over my shoulder in a fountain wish. Not sure. It just kinda happened. I mean at the end of the day, how can you really take life for granted and not be grateful for it? Right? Obviously it’s always just as bad as it is good but even that’s good too. Right?
I sound so lame even I want to vomit. I’m not saying it’s a snap of a finger thing…but more of a ‘practice’. I know everyone in my world has a hell of a lot more than others in someone else’s world so therein should be enough. Fingers, toes, breath, family, friends, love…all that…- it might seem trivial but it’s a helluva lot more than most. I guess sometimes you just need to think about it a bit.
Maybe it just comes down to just knowing at the end of it you’ll be ok – because after the end of most, you always have been. So, as the book says, ‘Don’t sweat the small stuff’. Shit will always storm – but that’s what toilets are for.
Part me of misses my angst lost writing….but I just can’t bring it. I’m good. I’m happy. Regardless of what is or isn’t going to come. I’m good.
MUAH.
