I’m tired. It’s been sort of a universal life-shifting week. Signs popping out behind every corner that I turned. All pointing ahead. This is it. The last of it. The last mile. All of these years of looking behind me are done now.
I know this to be true.
Something shifted in me. I stopped fighting and when I stopped fighting I released it. It’s funny how you can be ¾ of a mile to the finish line without an ounce of energy left, about to quit before you finish what you started and then this surge of something comes in, takes over and just sort of pushes you across. You might collapse when you get there, but you made it over. By Sunday night, I had made it. By Monday, I collapsed. But I had made it. I had won the great race against myself. After all of this time.
And might I be bold enough to say that I am proud of what I have done. I did it in my own quiet, chaotic and often tormented way, year after year, mile after mile. But I did it.
The 29-year-old girl that chose the path of most resistance finally came to the end of the road at 37. Scarred, bruised, and having fallen 1000 times but I got to the end of that fucking path.
You know how they say when you’re running a race, if you look backwards to see who’s chasing you, you will never win. You will have lost a second and taken yourself out of focus and you will falter. Well I could never win because I have been doing just that for almost 9 years of my life. Isn’t it silly to stop yourself from winning because you’re too busy looking backwards at something that isn’t there anymore?
I guess it’s something we all do in our own way. Perhaps I just did it longer than most. Perhaps it’s because I had always wanted to believe in happy endings. That fighting for something meant that it was supposed to be. But what if you’re only fighting yourself? How can you ever actually win against a ghost? Regardless, I’m not going to fight for anything anymore. Here’s why:
You don’t need to fight for things that belong.
Don’t look back. You're not going that way. It’s that simple. The answers are always ahead. Remember that. And I promise…you will win the race every time.
Thanks for listening.
xo
