I am broken. You can’t fix something unless it breaks. I am broken.
In many ways, I guess most of me broke over 5 years ago. I do believe that people can break you. I am not sure that I used to believe that. I always told myself that it was always about the ‘self’ and that others could never really hurt you – only the ‘self’ could. That’s not true. People can break you. When you give them all of your being and let them see you, raw and real and when you open their hand and give them your soul to carry and they shatter that gift, they can break you. And so it was...many years ago, someone broke me.
I moved home 3 years ago to fix what had been broken. I never fixed it. I wrapped it up in a lot of tape, stapled the bits that were falling off, tucked it away whispering to it only in the quiet of myself. But it was there. Over time, it has weathered and the tape began to fall off…it all unraveled and it began to speak. Loudly. So much so that it could no longer exist in the cavern of my spirit that I was trying to hold it. It screamed so loudly that I could no longer hear anything else…and it fell outside of me…and it shattered into a million little pieces all around me. And I had to look at it. I had to admit to myself that it was in fact really there. Piece by piece. Every little piece a memory that I have had to release. Piece by piece a shard of glass opening wounds that had never healed. Wounds bleeding tears around me like rivers.
I knew it was coming. This process that I had avoided and masked would one day knock on my door and not leave until I opened the door and answered to it. I know that the only way to get through something is to walk in it – across to the other side. I know that there is another side. I also know that it’s going to take awhile to heal this. These wounds from these shattered pieces of glass called my life – called my love.
Right now I am the girl wrapped in a blanket of such deep, inexpressible sadness. You can see it in my eyes. Strangers can see it in me. I feel these stares of such sympathy and empathy from others. I am the girl with tears in my eyes as I walk through the grocery store. I am the girl who vibrates this energy of loss. This is not to say that I don’t go about all of the day to days – that I don’t still laugh. I am just broken and there is a lot – a lot of fixing to do. To finally do so that I can have the life that I was meant to have, that I will have. I stopped fighting and started listening – as I was always supposed to do and the sounds brought me to this place. The release, - so that there could be a new beginning.
It’s ok for me to admit this – to talk about it. Because it’s real and its life and I am human. This is part of my purpose. Part of the story of the souls' journey to enlightenment and clarity. I am good. I have karma behind me, others don’t and that will be their journey to sort and rectify. This is about me now. Finding peace. Anointing myself. Healing my wounds, cleaning out the salt.
Time. I just need time and it will be alright. There is no forgiveness because I can’t offer that. It’s not my purpose. That will be the decision of beings far greater than me – when it will be time to forgive is someone else’s reckoning. I know that now. I know many things now.
There is no one to whisper me to sleep. There is no one to heal these wounds – only me. As it should be. As it has to be. And so it shall be.
We all have our paths. This is mine.
