Is when I can't speak. When my emotions become so jolted that it renders me into silence. They harden in my chest and my belly and the noise becomes so overwhelming that it buzzes around me like a blanket. The deafening of noise where all goes quiet and still and my spirit retreats to protect.
For all that I have done and seen. For all that I have walked through, this is always the most difficult part. The breakdown to rebuild. It's the loneliest fucking place on earth.
And so it goes...
Friday, November 20, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
Sometimes....
I wish I had an off button. My lips, my voice, everything from moving. Sometimes, I can't speak what I think eloquently...although in my mind it flows as clearly as dangling fingertips in crystal placid water.
Tonight, is one of those nights, that I just can't say what I feel and right now it's really fucking important that I do. As always, I have to let it out so that I can let something in...mental constipation.
Grits teeth.
Tonight, is one of those nights, that I just can't say what I feel and right now it's really fucking important that I do. As always, I have to let it out so that I can let something in...mental constipation.
Grits teeth.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Gracias. Again.
Without gratitude, I don’t believe it’s possible to find true peace. I feel that its taken me 35 years to find true gratitude for my life – as chaotic and often fucked up as it all seems…I am so grateful to be here. To have this so called life of mine.
Today, I laid in the grass with my friends – laughed and talked, watched the babies that are now fast and furiously growing far away from actually being babies anymore…the sun was on our faces, not a cloud in the sky. It was peace. Later, I sat by myself staring at a garden with the earth between my toes and just whispered, “Thank you, thank you thank you thank you….” Gratitude for the existence of sun and breath has literally altered my sense of being this year.
My soul is so much more quiet and calm when I can praise the simple moments.
You see, I made an effort this year to fall in love with myself, my life. To find beauty in the darkest corners and the quietest of hours. I fell in love with my friends (and some new ones too) all over again. Practicing gratitude has empowered me in ways that silly words just can’t remotely articulate. It’s given me this quiet patience and faith. I highly recommend even in the deepest spirals of our own intricate insanities, you embrace the words, “Thank you.”
All of this has allowed the clutter to clear for me. When I drive along the ocean, my mind is no longer filled with caverns of cobwebs but these images of laughter – my life. I am no longer afraid. I am just – well, grateful. I see all of them around me, these people that I have chosen to be the beautiful flowers in the garden of my life…you get what you give. I would like to believe that I have given well to have these beautiful gifts around me. In the very least, I’m trying.
I am here for a reason, and I appreciate that now. Truly. If you can embrace and accept as opposed to fight – it’s enlightening. If you can just allow yourself to be without itching the constant scratches of distractions you can ebb and flow with it. You can just be without constantly doing – if that makes sense? I wasn’t really good at that for a long time. I always believed that being in control would allow me feel in control. That isn’t the case. It has only been since I have allowed myself to lose control and to just succumb to the moments instead of thinking of the next, that I have found the greatest strength. It rocks.
Anyway, - I could go on and on. I won’t. For tonight, I will just say thank you sun, thank you earth, thank you friends, and thank you family. Thank you thank you thank you a thousand times and back again. I get it now.
xo
Today, I laid in the grass with my friends – laughed and talked, watched the babies that are now fast and furiously growing far away from actually being babies anymore…the sun was on our faces, not a cloud in the sky. It was peace. Later, I sat by myself staring at a garden with the earth between my toes and just whispered, “Thank you, thank you thank you thank you….” Gratitude for the existence of sun and breath has literally altered my sense of being this year.
My soul is so much more quiet and calm when I can praise the simple moments.
You see, I made an effort this year to fall in love with myself, my life. To find beauty in the darkest corners and the quietest of hours. I fell in love with my friends (and some new ones too) all over again. Practicing gratitude has empowered me in ways that silly words just can’t remotely articulate. It’s given me this quiet patience and faith. I highly recommend even in the deepest spirals of our own intricate insanities, you embrace the words, “Thank you.”
All of this has allowed the clutter to clear for me. When I drive along the ocean, my mind is no longer filled with caverns of cobwebs but these images of laughter – my life. I am no longer afraid. I am just – well, grateful. I see all of them around me, these people that I have chosen to be the beautiful flowers in the garden of my life…you get what you give. I would like to believe that I have given well to have these beautiful gifts around me. In the very least, I’m trying.
I am here for a reason, and I appreciate that now. Truly. If you can embrace and accept as opposed to fight – it’s enlightening. If you can just allow yourself to be without itching the constant scratches of distractions you can ebb and flow with it. You can just be without constantly doing – if that makes sense? I wasn’t really good at that for a long time. I always believed that being in control would allow me feel in control. That isn’t the case. It has only been since I have allowed myself to lose control and to just succumb to the moments instead of thinking of the next, that I have found the greatest strength. It rocks.
Anyway, - I could go on and on. I won’t. For tonight, I will just say thank you sun, thank you earth, thank you friends, and thank you family. Thank you thank you thank you a thousand times and back again. I get it now.
xo
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Gratitude
I haven’t had time to put fingers to keys. Life is rambling on at rapid speed and days turn into months so quickly that I can barely grasp the memory of the moment before I am on to the next.
I’m into this amazing thing lately. It’s called gratitude. I feel like a cheesy fucking Hallmark card sometimes.
When the wind stirs around me, the sun shines on my face and my hair gets caught in my lip gloss I just think….Jesus Christ I am so lucky. To feel this – to see all of this. To be here. I don’t quite believe I have ever actually felt true gratitude the way that I do these days.
And trust me, there are still shit days…but they sort of roll like water off of oily skin and soon enough, I am back to the good. I know that I spent the entire year working to get to this place and I don’t regret a moment. Not even the icky bits. Solitude does have its perks.
I don’t think a lot of people feel much gratitude. I didn’t for a long time. I was always focused on the what wasn’t or isn’t or couldn’t be. Something happened this year. I think I tossed all that bullshit over my shoulder in a fountain wish. Not sure. It just kinda happened. I mean at the end of the day, how can you really take life for granted and not be grateful for it? Right? Obviously it’s always just as bad as it is good but even that’s good too. Right?
I sound so lame even I want to vomit. I’m not saying it’s a snap of a finger thing…but more of a ‘practice’. I know everyone in my world has a hell of a lot more than others in someone else’s world so therein should be enough. Fingers, toes, breath, family, friends, love…all that…- it might seem trivial but it’s a helluva lot more than most. I guess sometimes you just need to think about it a bit.
Maybe it just comes down to just knowing at the end of it you’ll be ok – because after the end of most, you always have been. So, as the book says, ‘Don’t sweat the small stuff’. Shit will always storm – but that’s what toilets are for.
Part me of misses my angst lost writing….but I just can’t bring it. I’m good. I’m happy. Regardless of what is or isn’t going to come. I’m good.
MUAH.
I’m into this amazing thing lately. It’s called gratitude. I feel like a cheesy fucking Hallmark card sometimes.
When the wind stirs around me, the sun shines on my face and my hair gets caught in my lip gloss I just think….Jesus Christ I am so lucky. To feel this – to see all of this. To be here. I don’t quite believe I have ever actually felt true gratitude the way that I do these days.
And trust me, there are still shit days…but they sort of roll like water off of oily skin and soon enough, I am back to the good. I know that I spent the entire year working to get to this place and I don’t regret a moment. Not even the icky bits. Solitude does have its perks.
I don’t think a lot of people feel much gratitude. I didn’t for a long time. I was always focused on the what wasn’t or isn’t or couldn’t be. Something happened this year. I think I tossed all that bullshit over my shoulder in a fountain wish. Not sure. It just kinda happened. I mean at the end of the day, how can you really take life for granted and not be grateful for it? Right? Obviously it’s always just as bad as it is good but even that’s good too. Right?
I sound so lame even I want to vomit. I’m not saying it’s a snap of a finger thing…but more of a ‘practice’. I know everyone in my world has a hell of a lot more than others in someone else’s world so therein should be enough. Fingers, toes, breath, family, friends, love…all that…- it might seem trivial but it’s a helluva lot more than most. I guess sometimes you just need to think about it a bit.
Maybe it just comes down to just knowing at the end of it you’ll be ok – because after the end of most, you always have been. So, as the book says, ‘Don’t sweat the small stuff’. Shit will always storm – but that’s what toilets are for.
Part me of misses my angst lost writing….but I just can’t bring it. I’m good. I’m happy. Regardless of what is or isn’t going to come. I’m good.
MUAH.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Remember....
The story today is this. The things that I need to remember. The moments of standing in Fenway Park with my sister thinking that at my age of 35 and hers of 37 that we are at our first concert together (except for a Jack Wagner incident that shall remain unmentioned). And standing in that moment I kept saying to myself… “Remember…remember this…remember this….” So I am writing it down.
Sitting in my courtyard with hours slipping by and figuring it out through endless banter. Remember this.
When my nephew looked at me said, “I like when you come here TT.” “Why?” I replied. “Because I love you.” I then dropped to my knees, cried and hugged the greatest hug I could muster. Remember this.
When my best friends rallied around me…just because I asked. When their mere presence eased (eases) my spirit, fills my hours with laughter and my soul with uncondition. Remember this.
Walking to dig out cars in the dead of winter with my father. He, smoking his pipe, I, my Parliament Lights. Talking. Actually talking for the first time in years – and not feeling itchy or pained. Being there – in that moment. With my father. Remember this.
Being there – just because you could be and should be. Remember this.
"We want you to be the godmother to our baby...." Remember this.
Hurting my mothers’ feelings. Owning it, and holding out my arms when I saw her telling her how much I loved her and how sorry I was. Remember this.
Letting go in love. Forgiving. Remember this.
Sylvia and the guinea pig -. Soul-mates. Remember this.
Walking the streets of London. iPod blaring ‘The City” by Joe Purdy and feeling for the first time in awhile…at peace again. Remember this.
Standing outside of a pub, Noely walking outside and just smiling at me saying, “We could be standing outside of any pub, anywhere and it’s just 15 years ago again isn’t it T?” Remember this.
Remember the laughter.
“Tarah Cammett, will you marry me?” Remember this.
Being ok enough to be alone. Remember this. Remember this.
Kisses that have sailed a thousand ships and broken a million hearts. Remember this.
The hard stuff. Love. Remember this.
The songs. Remember.
When he said, “I just need to see your face and know that you’re ok…” Please God, remember that. Because that – that is what this is all about. Giving what you get and getting what you give. Being the one that they call on their cigarette break – not the cause of it.
It’s kinda about love – in all and every form. Remember this.
Thanks for listening...
Sitting in my courtyard with hours slipping by and figuring it out through endless banter. Remember this.
When my nephew looked at me said, “I like when you come here TT.” “Why?” I replied. “Because I love you.” I then dropped to my knees, cried and hugged the greatest hug I could muster. Remember this.
When my best friends rallied around me…just because I asked. When their mere presence eased (eases) my spirit, fills my hours with laughter and my soul with uncondition. Remember this.
Walking to dig out cars in the dead of winter with my father. He, smoking his pipe, I, my Parliament Lights. Talking. Actually talking for the first time in years – and not feeling itchy or pained. Being there – in that moment. With my father. Remember this.
Being there – just because you could be and should be. Remember this.
"We want you to be the godmother to our baby...." Remember this.
Hurting my mothers’ feelings. Owning it, and holding out my arms when I saw her telling her how much I loved her and how sorry I was. Remember this.
Letting go in love. Forgiving. Remember this.
Sylvia and the guinea pig -. Soul-mates. Remember this.
Walking the streets of London. iPod blaring ‘The City” by Joe Purdy and feeling for the first time in awhile…at peace again. Remember this.
Standing outside of a pub, Noely walking outside and just smiling at me saying, “We could be standing outside of any pub, anywhere and it’s just 15 years ago again isn’t it T?” Remember this.
Remember the laughter.
“Tarah Cammett, will you marry me?” Remember this.
Being ok enough to be alone. Remember this. Remember this.
Kisses that have sailed a thousand ships and broken a million hearts. Remember this.
The hard stuff. Love. Remember this.
The songs. Remember.
When he said, “I just need to see your face and know that you’re ok…” Please God, remember that. Because that – that is what this is all about. Giving what you get and getting what you give. Being the one that they call on their cigarette break – not the cause of it.
It’s kinda about love – in all and every form. Remember this.
Thanks for listening...
Friday, May 29, 2009
Curtains
I dozed a little bit. I keep having these sequencial thoughts….more like little dreams. When I wake up they are this hazy fog but I know that they were there….
It’s this sort of balance of reality and REM. If that’s not a metaphor, then I don’t really know what is.
I’ve been trying to wrap my arms around the term closure lately. What it means…what it requires? Is it ever really possible? To close the ure? I presume we learn to let things go…release them from ourselves the best we can but moments are moments…they are branded inside of you. You can’t close what is inside of you. Right? You just maybe have to close the door to that room.
I used to use the phrase ‘Let go in Love’ a lot. To remind myself to release things lovingly. Most times, it’s a crock of shit. Most things I release I release because they hurt and I can’t keep them with me anymore…so there’s not much love there unless I just refer to reflect inward and presume I mean love of the self. Either way you put it…letting go usually sucks.
My mind exhausts me.
Sometimes we just have no choice – someone or something slams down the window…and its shut and you can’t get in and the only way out is through a new one. Sometimes it just feels like an eternity until that new window opens and you just stand still for a bit.
Sometimes I just need to dance.
It’s this sort of balance of reality and REM. If that’s not a metaphor, then I don’t really know what is.
I’ve been trying to wrap my arms around the term closure lately. What it means…what it requires? Is it ever really possible? To close the ure? I presume we learn to let things go…release them from ourselves the best we can but moments are moments…they are branded inside of you. You can’t close what is inside of you. Right? You just maybe have to close the door to that room.
I used to use the phrase ‘Let go in Love’ a lot. To remind myself to release things lovingly. Most times, it’s a crock of shit. Most things I release I release because they hurt and I can’t keep them with me anymore…so there’s not much love there unless I just refer to reflect inward and presume I mean love of the self. Either way you put it…letting go usually sucks.
My mind exhausts me.
Sometimes we just have no choice – someone or something slams down the window…and its shut and you can’t get in and the only way out is through a new one. Sometimes it just feels like an eternity until that new window opens and you just stand still for a bit.
Sometimes I just need to dance.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
The summary
How I see it.
Girl sees boy.
Girl likes boy.
Boy sees girl.
Boy likes girl.
Boy and girl fall in love across miles, wars and countries.
Boy and girl make house.
Boy and girl fight.
Girl promised to never try to fix boy.
Girl lied.
Girl becomes angry that she can’t fix boy.
Girl takes it out on boy.
Boy is tired.
Girl asks boy to leave.
Boy leaves.
Boy comes back.
Girl still loves boy.
Boy doesn’t speak much.
Girl doesn’t ever really know what boy feels.
Girl still loves boy.
Boy leaves again.
This time – of his own accord.
Girl never hears boys voice again.
Boy has no words left for girl.
Girl is sad.
Girl misses boy.
Boy doesn’t miss girl.
Girl moves on.
Girl tries.
Girl misses boy’s voice.
Girl moves on.
Girl misses laughing.
Boy is happier without girl.
Girl is happy boy is happy.
Girl thinks.
Girl moves on.
Girl thinks.
Girl sees boy.
Girl likes boy.
Boy sees girl.
Boy likes girl.
Boy and girl fall in love across miles, wars and countries.
Boy and girl make house.
Boy and girl fight.
Girl promised to never try to fix boy.
Girl lied.
Girl becomes angry that she can’t fix boy.
Girl takes it out on boy.
Boy is tired.
Girl asks boy to leave.
Boy leaves.
Boy comes back.
Girl still loves boy.
Boy doesn’t speak much.
Girl doesn’t ever really know what boy feels.
Girl still loves boy.
Boy leaves again.
This time – of his own accord.
Girl never hears boys voice again.
Boy has no words left for girl.
Girl is sad.
Girl misses boy.
Boy doesn’t miss girl.
Girl moves on.
Girl tries.
Girl misses boy’s voice.
Girl moves on.
Girl misses laughing.
Boy is happier without girl.
Girl is happy boy is happy.
Girl thinks.
Girl moves on.
Girl thinks.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Birds Chirping...
Pretty soon my alarm is going to go off…I’ve been laying awake for hours now. Couldn’t fall asleep or stay asleep last night…my eyes are heavy.
Mondays. They suck.
I had this incredibly beautiful weekend, laced with a little sadness but all in all, for a birthday weekend, (or more so a birthday weekend for me which is usually filled with a lot of emotional mishaps and disappointment) I fared pretty well. This is what happens when you are surrounded by incredible souls who just want to see their friend smile. I have many amazing gifts. They are called my friends.
And, perhaps maybe I’m just getting old enough and wise enough to realize that there isn’t much I can control anymore. Things are where they are. No, I don’t have a white picket fence and a baby in a bassinet but I’ve got a lot and for now, it’s time to just get good with that. Ride the wave. Just ride the wave….
Ultimately, it’s time to just keep weeding the shit out of my garden until it looks as it should. And preferably, it will look very pretty in the end.
It’s all about the rally.
Mondays. They suck.
I had this incredibly beautiful weekend, laced with a little sadness but all in all, for a birthday weekend, (or more so a birthday weekend for me which is usually filled with a lot of emotional mishaps and disappointment) I fared pretty well. This is what happens when you are surrounded by incredible souls who just want to see their friend smile. I have many amazing gifts. They are called my friends.
And, perhaps maybe I’m just getting old enough and wise enough to realize that there isn’t much I can control anymore. Things are where they are. No, I don’t have a white picket fence and a baby in a bassinet but I’ve got a lot and for now, it’s time to just get good with that. Ride the wave. Just ride the wave….
Ultimately, it’s time to just keep weeding the shit out of my garden until it looks as it should. And preferably, it will look very pretty in the end.
It’s all about the rally.
Monday, May 11, 2009
The reality.
“The night wants to kiss you”….so sings Patty Griffin..
And so it is, that the time has come for me to write again. I’ve been wanting and meaning to for a while. Just couldn’t find the moment.
I doubted myself yesterday. I never doubt myself. It was a really wonky fucked up place for me to be. I think I’m over it now. I’m blessed to have a great mentor in my life that keeps me in check. I’m also blessed to have a mind that is stronger than a doubtful spirit and so I’m pretty sure that all is good now.
You see, I am what I am. I am as good as I can be. Beyond that, I can’t do much more. Just breathe, figure it out with each step and do right by myself when and where I can and if the cosmos align, do right by everyone around me as well.
I’m not naïve enough to not be aware of how very blessed that I am. I don’t know many that have the gifts that I have been given. Maybe even the gifts that I have worked my ass off for – regardless, they are beautiful gifts and even if I might not say it, or express it properly, these gifts, these souls in my world are the spirits that guide me. My sanity check(s).
I turn 35 this week. Most of me can’t quite grasp it - as if part of me feels as if I am just starting to live – just starting to figure myself out…to own myself – if that makes any sense. I feel for the first time in awhile that I can be anything. I often times find myself overwhelmed with the insane gorgeousness of my life that I drive and cry and I feel and I tuck it all into this place in my pocket – a story to remember to tell someone some day. But I know it – you know? I know it. And I wasted a lot of years not understanding that – or this…
Life is short right? These days, each day, I find myself trying to find my way but also just really fucking grateful. So grateful. If you know me, personally, and know my life you would understand. I have every and all right to praise it. I have these kick ass amazing souls in my life…every walk, mindset, style, image, belief…they exist in my world and I thrive on them and they complete all of the facets of my mind. These beautiful gifts called my friends. My friends, the family that I have chosen, and my sister, my blood who just gets me and accepts me. It’s priceless. And maybe I’m reminding myself of this by writing because for a few hours last night, I lost that reminder….and we all need it. A reminder of what we are made of.
Remember why you are here, those you touch and those that touch you. Stop wallowing in what isn’t…because that isn’t, isn’t here and if it isn’t here then it isn’t worth much. I guess, in the end, as you weed your garden, that’s what it comes down to. If it’s not there anymore, it doesn’t mean much. No looking back, just around and ahead. Right?
Go forth and prosper. And if possible, find a smidgeon of gratitude for the moments – because they pass. And they build the story of you..so embrace the story.
And so it is, that the time has come for me to write again. I’ve been wanting and meaning to for a while. Just couldn’t find the moment.
I doubted myself yesterday. I never doubt myself. It was a really wonky fucked up place for me to be. I think I’m over it now. I’m blessed to have a great mentor in my life that keeps me in check. I’m also blessed to have a mind that is stronger than a doubtful spirit and so I’m pretty sure that all is good now.
You see, I am what I am. I am as good as I can be. Beyond that, I can’t do much more. Just breathe, figure it out with each step and do right by myself when and where I can and if the cosmos align, do right by everyone around me as well.
I’m not naïve enough to not be aware of how very blessed that I am. I don’t know many that have the gifts that I have been given. Maybe even the gifts that I have worked my ass off for – regardless, they are beautiful gifts and even if I might not say it, or express it properly, these gifts, these souls in my world are the spirits that guide me. My sanity check(s).
I turn 35 this week. Most of me can’t quite grasp it - as if part of me feels as if I am just starting to live – just starting to figure myself out…to own myself – if that makes any sense. I feel for the first time in awhile that I can be anything. I often times find myself overwhelmed with the insane gorgeousness of my life that I drive and cry and I feel and I tuck it all into this place in my pocket – a story to remember to tell someone some day. But I know it – you know? I know it. And I wasted a lot of years not understanding that – or this…
Life is short right? These days, each day, I find myself trying to find my way but also just really fucking grateful. So grateful. If you know me, personally, and know my life you would understand. I have every and all right to praise it. I have these kick ass amazing souls in my life…every walk, mindset, style, image, belief…they exist in my world and I thrive on them and they complete all of the facets of my mind. These beautiful gifts called my friends. My friends, the family that I have chosen, and my sister, my blood who just gets me and accepts me. It’s priceless. And maybe I’m reminding myself of this by writing because for a few hours last night, I lost that reminder….and we all need it. A reminder of what we are made of.
Remember why you are here, those you touch and those that touch you. Stop wallowing in what isn’t…because that isn’t, isn’t here and if it isn’t here then it isn’t worth much. I guess, in the end, as you weed your garden, that’s what it comes down to. If it’s not there anymore, it doesn’t mean much. No looking back, just around and ahead. Right?
Go forth and prosper. And if possible, find a smidgeon of gratitude for the moments – because they pass. And they build the story of you..so embrace the story.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Rambles of the bambles...
I haven’t written in awhile. I think I might start most blogs out with that these days. Redundancy. It works for me.
It’s a Friday night…I was out and then realized that nothing would feel better than sitting on the floor of my kitchen writing it all out.
Hi.
It smells like something awkward in here. Something that is old and needs to go away. Most likely the trash but that would be too easy. I prefer to think its something more abstract like the memory of something.
I woke up to a text this morning. “I’m still in love with you.” Humph. Love. A complex word. I believe that we love moments and people that fill those moments and when faced with the reality of realizing that someone is really just human your love wanes. It’s a flu. A viral 24-hour thing. We love the ones we are not with. We place the treacherous moments with them on a pedestal. Only to be knocked off when we see their face and recognize that the fantasy is in fact, a bold reality.
Because, the thing is…if you are really, honestly, and truly in love with someone, and if it’s supposed to be, then it just is. If it isn’t – it isn’t supposed to be and words on paper or computer screens mean little more than shit without actions behind them.
Yah, I’m holding out for the white horse riding guy who makes me feel, in the very least that I’m worthy of a semblance of effort. Call me crazy but I want that sort of feeling that I am ‘it’. Bullocks. I get that. But I can’t help it. And yet, I am so good with where I am at. Set the bar low and it’s hard to disappoint or get emotional about much. In fact, you expect most people will be exactly how you expect them to be. It’s rare that they let you down. So you do your best to be your own lover and champion.
I am not perfect. I am scarred and scaled and am a complete work in progress, but as Forest Gump said, “I know what love is.” I guess I just need the boy who is the peas to my carrots and fearlessly decides that it’s just worth it.
Blah.
It’s a Friday night…I was out and then realized that nothing would feel better than sitting on the floor of my kitchen writing it all out.
Hi.
It smells like something awkward in here. Something that is old and needs to go away. Most likely the trash but that would be too easy. I prefer to think its something more abstract like the memory of something.
I woke up to a text this morning. “I’m still in love with you.” Humph. Love. A complex word. I believe that we love moments and people that fill those moments and when faced with the reality of realizing that someone is really just human your love wanes. It’s a flu. A viral 24-hour thing. We love the ones we are not with. We place the treacherous moments with them on a pedestal. Only to be knocked off when we see their face and recognize that the fantasy is in fact, a bold reality.
Because, the thing is…if you are really, honestly, and truly in love with someone, and if it’s supposed to be, then it just is. If it isn’t – it isn’t supposed to be and words on paper or computer screens mean little more than shit without actions behind them.
Yah, I’m holding out for the white horse riding guy who makes me feel, in the very least that I’m worthy of a semblance of effort. Call me crazy but I want that sort of feeling that I am ‘it’. Bullocks. I get that. But I can’t help it. And yet, I am so good with where I am at. Set the bar low and it’s hard to disappoint or get emotional about much. In fact, you expect most people will be exactly how you expect them to be. It’s rare that they let you down. So you do your best to be your own lover and champion.
I am not perfect. I am scarred and scaled and am a complete work in progress, but as Forest Gump said, “I know what love is.” I guess I just need the boy who is the peas to my carrots and fearlessly decides that it’s just worth it.
Blah.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
For just one minute
I wondered if I had actually truly meant what I had said.
A small flutter of what if?
I think its gone now. All of it.
A small flutter of what if?
I think its gone now. All of it.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Beautification
Alright ladies, I’m excited to write this blog. It struck me this morning when I looked in the mirror that my skin was looking pretty darn good despite the abuse my internal organs take on a daily basis so I thought I would share some of what my regime as of late has been.
To preface what I am about to write I have to clarify something. I am a product whore. I have pretty much tried every product under the sun so in that regard, I might be somewhat of an expert. My bathroom is for the most part a mini spa with a myriad amount of products to cleanse, scrub, buff, exfoliate and what have you. I like being a girl and products are the fun bit.
Also, I don’t wear make up except for the standard lip gloss staple and a brush or two here of blush so it’s important that my skin looks good. I am blessed, I have good skin via genetics and I pride myself on a good day in my ripe old age of almost 35 of still being able to pass for being in my 20’s.
So, we’re in a recession, I’m in between gigs right now and I have to minimize the product splurge. And in reality, the thousands I have spent on high end products have never made an ounce of difference for my skin. However, I’ve done a few things as of late that have and I've found a few 'economical products' to mix in with the higher end stuff that are showing great value.
First when I started my recent regime overhaul, I spent $100.00 and had IPL done. I am a sun slut. I have been since the day I was born. The blessing and curse of growing up by the ocean. Sun spots had crept up and they were making me insane. It was all that I saw when I looked in the mirror. The IPL procedure took about 10 minutes and within a week – they were all gone and I feel as if I just took years off my face. Ladies, its worth it.
Secondly, I have heeded the advice of my friend Gina - who might just possibly be the most gorgeous woman to actually physically be in my presence (she rocks on the mental and intellectual realms as well) so when Gina gives you advice on your skin - you listen. Gina told me to stop pissing money away getting facials. They do nothing for you except for the relaxation bit. Go to a dermatologist and get legtimate procedures done such as dermaplaning. It costs less than a facial and has far greater benefits. I couldn't agree more. So, next time you want your skin to have a boost, find a dermatologist to do procedures that will actually have impact and longevity (and yes, extractions are part of this procedure as well so you get the gunk out too!).
Now, onto products. As I said, I've tried everything under the sun. I could give you a long list of things not to waste your money on...but for today, I'll just tell you what I'm using that is really making me feel zippy about my skin.
I have a bunch of cleansers but I am currently addicted to two. In the morning I use DDF Glycolic Exfoliating Wash - girls, if you're in your 30's+ you gots to be using some glycolic somewhere. The DDF is a bit on the pricier side but it's lasted me months...I exfoliate just about every day. My new favorite is St. Ives Microderm-Abrasion Scrub. It's a whole lot of awesomeness. At night, I use Purpose, Gentle Cleansing Wash. This is my most favorite new cleanser. It's the #1 Dermatologist recommended cleanser and I now know why. It really really makes your skin feel clean but not tight or dry. And, the best part, super cheap -!
For my skin care regime, I always do a few layers. I am a BIG believer in serums + moisturizer. Because of my 'sun spot' issues I had begun using Murad Age Spot and Pigment Lightening Gel (again, pricey and now that I've had IPL not sure how much longer I'll use it once its done - but a lot of rave reviews). I dabble with numerous serums but I've been using L'Oreal Skin Genesis recently and I'm loving it. Plus, maybe I'll look like Penelope Cruz! When it comes to moisturizers, that truly an individual preference based on your skin type. Right now I use Philosophy's When Hope is Not Enough with SPF but that might change when it runs out. However, let it be known, I'm a big fan of Philosophy and always will be.
At night, after cleansing with the Purpose, I have been using L'Oreal Advanced RevitaLift Night. And that's it. That's my daily regime. Oh, and I am a strong believer now in Fish Oil pills, 1 - 2 warm glasses of lemon water a day and always, I mean always moisturize (face and body) while your skin is still wet. It helps maintain the moisture.
I wanted to share this stuff because I love when people tell me about what they are using and fab new finds. I'd rather read about cool new tips from friends than via a magazine any day. So, my hope is, you gals will read this, comment and share any beauty tips and tricks of your own. At the end of the day, my grandmother has always used just soap, water and Oil of Olay - and even at almost 90 she still has gorgeous skin...so, it's all mostly a whole lot of rubbish but it's fun rubbish.
Cheerios ladies.
T.
To preface what I am about to write I have to clarify something. I am a product whore. I have pretty much tried every product under the sun so in that regard, I might be somewhat of an expert. My bathroom is for the most part a mini spa with a myriad amount of products to cleanse, scrub, buff, exfoliate and what have you. I like being a girl and products are the fun bit.
Also, I don’t wear make up except for the standard lip gloss staple and a brush or two here of blush so it’s important that my skin looks good. I am blessed, I have good skin via genetics and I pride myself on a good day in my ripe old age of almost 35 of still being able to pass for being in my 20’s.
So, we’re in a recession, I’m in between gigs right now and I have to minimize the product splurge. And in reality, the thousands I have spent on high end products have never made an ounce of difference for my skin. However, I’ve done a few things as of late that have and I've found a few 'economical products' to mix in with the higher end stuff that are showing great value.
First when I started my recent regime overhaul, I spent $100.00 and had IPL done. I am a sun slut. I have been since the day I was born. The blessing and curse of growing up by the ocean. Sun spots had crept up and they were making me insane. It was all that I saw when I looked in the mirror. The IPL procedure took about 10 minutes and within a week – they were all gone and I feel as if I just took years off my face. Ladies, its worth it.
Secondly, I have heeded the advice of my friend Gina - who might just possibly be the most gorgeous woman to actually physically be in my presence (she rocks on the mental and intellectual realms as well) so when Gina gives you advice on your skin - you listen. Gina told me to stop pissing money away getting facials. They do nothing for you except for the relaxation bit. Go to a dermatologist and get legtimate procedures done such as dermaplaning. It costs less than a facial and has far greater benefits. I couldn't agree more. So, next time you want your skin to have a boost, find a dermatologist to do procedures that will actually have impact and longevity (and yes, extractions are part of this procedure as well so you get the gunk out too!).
Now, onto products. As I said, I've tried everything under the sun. I could give you a long list of things not to waste your money on...but for today, I'll just tell you what I'm using that is really making me feel zippy about my skin.
I have a bunch of cleansers but I am currently addicted to two. In the morning I use DDF Glycolic Exfoliating Wash - girls, if you're in your 30's+ you gots to be using some glycolic somewhere. The DDF is a bit on the pricier side but it's lasted me months...I exfoliate just about every day. My new favorite is St. Ives Microderm-Abrasion Scrub. It's a whole lot of awesomeness. At night, I use Purpose, Gentle Cleansing Wash. This is my most favorite new cleanser. It's the #1 Dermatologist recommended cleanser and I now know why. It really really makes your skin feel clean but not tight or dry. And, the best part, super cheap -!
For my skin care regime, I always do a few layers. I am a BIG believer in serums + moisturizer. Because of my 'sun spot' issues I had begun using Murad Age Spot and Pigment Lightening Gel (again, pricey and now that I've had IPL not sure how much longer I'll use it once its done - but a lot of rave reviews). I dabble with numerous serums but I've been using L'Oreal Skin Genesis recently and I'm loving it. Plus, maybe I'll look like Penelope Cruz! When it comes to moisturizers, that truly an individual preference based on your skin type. Right now I use Philosophy's When Hope is Not Enough with SPF but that might change when it runs out. However, let it be known, I'm a big fan of Philosophy and always will be.
At night, after cleansing with the Purpose, I have been using L'Oreal Advanced RevitaLift Night. And that's it. That's my daily regime. Oh, and I am a strong believer now in Fish Oil pills, 1 - 2 warm glasses of lemon water a day and always, I mean always moisturize (face and body) while your skin is still wet. It helps maintain the moisture.
I wanted to share this stuff because I love when people tell me about what they are using and fab new finds. I'd rather read about cool new tips from friends than via a magazine any day. So, my hope is, you gals will read this, comment and share any beauty tips and tricks of your own. At the end of the day, my grandmother has always used just soap, water and Oil of Olay - and even at almost 90 she still has gorgeous skin...so, it's all mostly a whole lot of rubbish but it's fun rubbish.
Cheerios ladies.
T.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Twitter: It's Not You; It's Me...
So, I’ll admit, it took me a long time to warm up to Twitter. At first I thought it to be overwhelmingly – well, overwhelming. I mean, who could possibly keep up with all of the information being purged? I had enough difficulty maintaining a Facebook status. As with anything however, time sort’s things through and after implementing about 12 Twitter monitoring tools and nailing down who it was that I really wanted to follow, what I really wanted to say and learn, I’ve gotten comfortable there.
Until lately. Well, I take that back, I still like it there but recently I feel as if I am in a cyber relationship with a myriad amount of folks I’ve never even laid eyes on and my every move is in measure with something resembling speed dating. I’ve got 1 minute and 1 Tweet to prove my worth. Eeek, what if I’m having a bad hair day and not at my wittiest? My numbers climb, then they drop and vice versa. Was it me? Did I make a bad first impression? Do I have bad breath? Was I just being used for a number and when I didn’t immediately reciprocate affection I got dropped? I mean hey, I’m not that kinda girl. Maybe it takes me a little time to get to know you.
And then comes Qwitter. Yikes. If someone stops following you, then you immediately stop following him or her? When did Twitter become spiteful? Are you following people because they interest you or because of numbers alone? And truly, you might not be interested in my random thoughts about social media marketing, what I had for breakfast or my favorite music of the week but I still might really be interested in what you have to say. Do I have to stop following you because you stopped following me?
Sometimes, you meet people, and you think you have something in common and in time, you realize that you don’t. That’s ok. It’s nobody’s fault, it’s just who we are. Can’t we still be friends? You might follow me but I’m just not interested in antique cars or optical physics so I don’t return the follow. Isn’t that my right? It doesn’t mean that I still don’t think you’re fabulous. It just means that our Twitter relationship will never go to the next level because we don’t have much to talk about - so, I’m bowing out gracefully before anyone gets hurt.
I’m not here for numbers, I’m here to learn, laugh, educate and hopefully connect with some folks that have common interests. It’s ok if your not my type – or I yours. I think? I wouldn’t want anyone to follow me if they aren’t interested in social media, food or music – because what I have to say would most likely bore them – and I don’t want to be the lame girl at the party.
My thought is that people might be taking this game of Tweeting a bit too seriously. Personally, if you have 3 followers or 30,000 that won’t make a difference to me. I like you for you and I’ll follow you because something you’ve said has sparked my interest. If I stop following you, it’s nothing personal; maybe we’ve just drifted apart. It’s not you; it’s me. No hard feelings ok?
Until lately. Well, I take that back, I still like it there but recently I feel as if I am in a cyber relationship with a myriad amount of folks I’ve never even laid eyes on and my every move is in measure with something resembling speed dating. I’ve got 1 minute and 1 Tweet to prove my worth. Eeek, what if I’m having a bad hair day and not at my wittiest? My numbers climb, then they drop and vice versa. Was it me? Did I make a bad first impression? Do I have bad breath? Was I just being used for a number and when I didn’t immediately reciprocate affection I got dropped? I mean hey, I’m not that kinda girl. Maybe it takes me a little time to get to know you.
And then comes Qwitter. Yikes. If someone stops following you, then you immediately stop following him or her? When did Twitter become spiteful? Are you following people because they interest you or because of numbers alone? And truly, you might not be interested in my random thoughts about social media marketing, what I had for breakfast or my favorite music of the week but I still might really be interested in what you have to say. Do I have to stop following you because you stopped following me?
Sometimes, you meet people, and you think you have something in common and in time, you realize that you don’t. That’s ok. It’s nobody’s fault, it’s just who we are. Can’t we still be friends? You might follow me but I’m just not interested in antique cars or optical physics so I don’t return the follow. Isn’t that my right? It doesn’t mean that I still don’t think you’re fabulous. It just means that our Twitter relationship will never go to the next level because we don’t have much to talk about - so, I’m bowing out gracefully before anyone gets hurt.
I’m not here for numbers, I’m here to learn, laugh, educate and hopefully connect with some folks that have common interests. It’s ok if your not my type – or I yours. I think? I wouldn’t want anyone to follow me if they aren’t interested in social media, food or music – because what I have to say would most likely bore them – and I don’t want to be the lame girl at the party.
My thought is that people might be taking this game of Tweeting a bit too seriously. Personally, if you have 3 followers or 30,000 that won’t make a difference to me. I like you for you and I’ll follow you because something you’ve said has sparked my interest. If I stop following you, it’s nothing personal; maybe we’ve just drifted apart. It’s not you; it’s me. No hard feelings ok?
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Chips and Dip
Lately, these sounds swim and swoon around my head. I write all day long – in my mind. It’s just rare these days that I actually have time to put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard).
I’m in this transitionary place. Still. I know this. I am really really good with this. I’m happy. I just ‘am’ and that’s just enough. I’ve stopped trying to figure it all out and am content just floating along to wherever this journey leads. There are people and things that give me love and pleasure and my spirit is pretty clear. However, as of late, I feel like there’s a chip missing.
Let me try to explain the chip. The chip is this innate, nagging need to do more with my life. Something that has a bit more depth and meaning – something that’s soulful. I’m not going to go on some life quest saving seals or anything like that, I just need to have my life be about more than just me. And I just don’t know how to do this.
It’s not as simple as trying to save the earth or every downtrodden soul I meet. It’s more complex than that. It’s more than just a momentary action. It’s a life thing. Maybe more of a ‘practice’? Does that make sense? It has nothing to do with religion, or work or just the mere action of giving. It has to be deeper than all of that. It is whatever the rest of my life is supposed to be about. I guess that’s the only way I know how to explain it.
I know that its there…it’s like energy in the room that I can’t grab and I know that it is coming soon and all the little bits of the bits are sorting their way and clearing a path for it. It's like each day I have this sort of anxious energy like I'm waiting to be taken to the prom but my date is running late. With all that I am, I know my life is about to change and I can't tell you how, or where, or when or even why....it's just all around. I believe that. I believe in that. There is just more to do and be. There just is. And what that is will find me. I just wish it would hurry its ass up already.
That’s my chip. And it’s missing. And I want to find it. And maybe I just needed to write this all down so that 'when/if' lightening strikes...it was noted.
Cheerios. Thanks for listening.
I’m in this transitionary place. Still. I know this. I am really really good with this. I’m happy. I just ‘am’ and that’s just enough. I’ve stopped trying to figure it all out and am content just floating along to wherever this journey leads. There are people and things that give me love and pleasure and my spirit is pretty clear. However, as of late, I feel like there’s a chip missing.
Let me try to explain the chip. The chip is this innate, nagging need to do more with my life. Something that has a bit more depth and meaning – something that’s soulful. I’m not going to go on some life quest saving seals or anything like that, I just need to have my life be about more than just me. And I just don’t know how to do this.
It’s not as simple as trying to save the earth or every downtrodden soul I meet. It’s more complex than that. It’s more than just a momentary action. It’s a life thing. Maybe more of a ‘practice’? Does that make sense? It has nothing to do with religion, or work or just the mere action of giving. It has to be deeper than all of that. It is whatever the rest of my life is supposed to be about. I guess that’s the only way I know how to explain it.
I know that its there…it’s like energy in the room that I can’t grab and I know that it is coming soon and all the little bits of the bits are sorting their way and clearing a path for it. It's like each day I have this sort of anxious energy like I'm waiting to be taken to the prom but my date is running late. With all that I am, I know my life is about to change and I can't tell you how, or where, or when or even why....it's just all around. I believe that. I believe in that. There is just more to do and be. There just is. And what that is will find me. I just wish it would hurry its ass up already.
That’s my chip. And it’s missing. And I want to find it. And maybe I just needed to write this all down so that 'when/if' lightening strikes...it was noted.
Cheerios. Thanks for listening.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Writers...block...
I have it. Not mentally...mentally I write all day long. I see these words fall to the screen and make so much sense. Then, my fingers try to move and they freeze. It's just not as beautiful when I put it into words that can be read.
Until it can be - it will stay in my head.
xo
Until it can be - it will stay in my head.
xo
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Is Social Media Really Just a Nudist Colony?
The title of my blog was inspired by a Twitter exchange between Chris Brogan and I. Although I had no intentions of using it and the mention was purely in jest, I thought about the validity of it today driving into the office. It makes sense because well, aren't we all really somewhat 'naked' in this world of social media, hence, creating a community (or a colony) of nudists?
Social media allows for a 'rawness' that previously hasn't been available in the world of how we communicate. It's now acceptable to befriend your CEO, colleagues and acquaintances on Facebook, and the like, allowing them insight into your personal life, your personality, those that you choose to surround yourself with and what you find interesting. It's a world in which diversity is celebrated and promoted. The geeks, the intellects, the witty and so on. We're all here, dancing around somewhat naked letting others peek through the window and be voyeurs into our lives.
Why? How is this effective? It's simple; it's a lot easier to listen and to exchange when there is humanity. When interaction is brought to a more personal level we tend to find commonalities. For some, that's easy, for others, not so much. Personally, I'm an open book. What you see is what you get and if you can't see it, I'm more than happy to share with you anything that you'd like to know. I am sure there are some secrets and skeletons but I don't exactly have bones falling out of my mouth every time I open it. I'm not actually yellow as my picture might suggest, but that's just me having fun with my Mac. Befriend me on Facebook and you can see me in full color.
We're continually reading all of the recent studies regarding how companies are adopting Web 2.0 and social media. Within these metrics exist a variety of companies that still haven't. My only conclusion is that they are afraid to take their clothes off. When we stand raw and naked we open ourselves up to not just approval but criticism as well. That frightful moment of wondering, what do they think of me? Perhaps executives and employees alike have yet to find their voice or have no interest in hearing what others have to say - but they should, it's truly inspiring. By allowing people to network, connect and communicate your only increasing their abilities and tools to learn from one other. When has knowledge ever been a bad thing?
I'm having a blast hearing what others have to say, more importantly, I'm learning things that I otherwise may not have known. I also am utilizing this avenue as a means to have a voice for companies that I work with, as well as for myself. I have no problem being naked with ya'll. Flaws and all.
Cheers!
Social media allows for a 'rawness' that previously hasn't been available in the world of how we communicate. It's now acceptable to befriend your CEO, colleagues and acquaintances on Facebook, and the like, allowing them insight into your personal life, your personality, those that you choose to surround yourself with and what you find interesting. It's a world in which diversity is celebrated and promoted. The geeks, the intellects, the witty and so on. We're all here, dancing around somewhat naked letting others peek through the window and be voyeurs into our lives.
Why? How is this effective? It's simple; it's a lot easier to listen and to exchange when there is humanity. When interaction is brought to a more personal level we tend to find commonalities. For some, that's easy, for others, not so much. Personally, I'm an open book. What you see is what you get and if you can't see it, I'm more than happy to share with you anything that you'd like to know. I am sure there are some secrets and skeletons but I don't exactly have bones falling out of my mouth every time I open it. I'm not actually yellow as my picture might suggest, but that's just me having fun with my Mac. Befriend me on Facebook and you can see me in full color.
We're continually reading all of the recent studies regarding how companies are adopting Web 2.0 and social media. Within these metrics exist a variety of companies that still haven't. My only conclusion is that they are afraid to take their clothes off. When we stand raw and naked we open ourselves up to not just approval but criticism as well. That frightful moment of wondering, what do they think of me? Perhaps executives and employees alike have yet to find their voice or have no interest in hearing what others have to say - but they should, it's truly inspiring. By allowing people to network, connect and communicate your only increasing their abilities and tools to learn from one other. When has knowledge ever been a bad thing?
I'm having a blast hearing what others have to say, more importantly, I'm learning things that I otherwise may not have known. I also am utilizing this avenue as a means to have a voice for companies that I work with, as well as for myself. I have no problem being naked with ya'll. Flaws and all.
Cheers!
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Random thoughts while getting my car fixed...
I haven’t written in awhile. Surprising because of the myriad amount of thoughts that stampede around my head on a daily basis. Wait, I retract, I did write this whole 2008 wrap up piece but it was all slimed up with cheeze so I opted not to share.
I’m sitting at the car dealership while they fix my putt putt up – they have no wireless so I figured why not do some purging? Maybe it will help me to focus on something else besides hacking up a lung all over the place. I’m sick. Again. What else is new? If my state of being could be measured by my health these days – or more so over the past year, well, that would say enough.
I’m in this ‘transitionary’ place – where I have been for a while I guess. There is a kind of solace about it all. I’m not overwhelmingly giddy about anything but I’m also not overwhelmingly depressed about anything either. I just am. I know that I am secluding myself from all things that I see as a negative impact on my spirit. For now, that’s enough. I believe I have been ‘privatizing’ my thoughts a lot more. I don’t feel the need to share where my life, or me, is at with most. Because it just is what it is and it is mine.
In some ways, I guess I’ve just sort of given up on a lot of things and people. Not in a woe is me sad sort of sense but in a realistic ‘weeding my garden’ way. Life is short. If I’m not getting what I’m giving, well, then I’m not going to give anymore. Easy peas.
My sister and I were driving last night and we talked about my life long search for ‘the one’ – I’ve given up on that too. On many levels I’ve had many ‘ones’ and at the end of the day I don’t believe that the perfect ‘one’ exists. You work with what you have. If you have a few key elements such as passion, forgiveness, loyalty and humor – well, the rest you can figure out along the way. Or so I tell myself. It’s sort of like giving up the belief in Santa Claus. Soul-mate Santa. Ha. It’s fun when your young but doesn’t work so well when you’re an aging soul like myself - and I guess I’ve stayed young for a bit too long.
I just think too much. I think I’m done thinking. I just want to live. Be simple. Be good and surround myself with those that want and believe in the same. For now, that’s enough. I think.
I’m sitting at the car dealership while they fix my putt putt up – they have no wireless so I figured why not do some purging? Maybe it will help me to focus on something else besides hacking up a lung all over the place. I’m sick. Again. What else is new? If my state of being could be measured by my health these days – or more so over the past year, well, that would say enough.
I’m in this ‘transitionary’ place – where I have been for a while I guess. There is a kind of solace about it all. I’m not overwhelmingly giddy about anything but I’m also not overwhelmingly depressed about anything either. I just am. I know that I am secluding myself from all things that I see as a negative impact on my spirit. For now, that’s enough. I believe I have been ‘privatizing’ my thoughts a lot more. I don’t feel the need to share where my life, or me, is at with most. Because it just is what it is and it is mine.
In some ways, I guess I’ve just sort of given up on a lot of things and people. Not in a woe is me sad sort of sense but in a realistic ‘weeding my garden’ way. Life is short. If I’m not getting what I’m giving, well, then I’m not going to give anymore. Easy peas.
My sister and I were driving last night and we talked about my life long search for ‘the one’ – I’ve given up on that too. On many levels I’ve had many ‘ones’ and at the end of the day I don’t believe that the perfect ‘one’ exists. You work with what you have. If you have a few key elements such as passion, forgiveness, loyalty and humor – well, the rest you can figure out along the way. Or so I tell myself. It’s sort of like giving up the belief in Santa Claus. Soul-mate Santa. Ha. It’s fun when your young but doesn’t work so well when you’re an aging soul like myself - and I guess I’ve stayed young for a bit too long.
I just think too much. I think I’m done thinking. I just want to live. Be simple. Be good and surround myself with those that want and believe in the same. For now, that’s enough. I think.
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