Russian Roulette

"Open your eyes, look within.  Are you satisfied with the life you're living?" - Bob Marley

I stood in line tonight at the grocery.  As I idly scanned my Facebook feed from my phone while my groceries were being bagged, the elderly bagger named Louie nudged me and said, “We’ve been having a discussion tonight and I wanted to get your opinion on something.”  I looked up at him intently.  “Shoot.” I stated.  “If someone offered you a billion dollars to play Russian Roulette would you take it?  You’d only have a one in 6 chance of dying. 1 out of 6 bullets.”  Without hesitation I responded, “Not a chance in Hell Louie.  Not a chance in Hell.”  He winked. “Me either kid.  Me either.” And so we went on about our ritual.

For some reason, driving home the conversation stuck with me.  More so because I’m not sure if a few years ago I would’ve answered the question so quickly and with such unabashed confidence in knowing my retort.  A few years ago I was lucky to get through my days without wishing that this life would somehow just vaporize into thin air.  

Every step for many years felt as if I was running in cement.  Going nowhere fast and if something didn’t change I was going to be frozen there, a statue of myself ‘The Girl Who Couldn’t Get Away From Herself’ they would’ve called me.  Repeating the same patterns of behavior over and over again expecting different results.  Yes, the definition of insanity.  I was the poster girl.  I had everything externally, an insane career, piles of friends, jaunting around the world just because but on the inside…I was vacant.  A shadow.  Some sort of lost semblance of something that I was supposed to be but couldn’t find my way to. There had to be more.  I had to be more.  

And then one day, after something insignificant, out of nowhere I decided that I no longer needed to carry these weights.  I could be something different.  Something better.  As long as it took, I would pull myself out of this drowning of the self.  I would find light.  And so I did.

It wasn’t easy.  It required a concentrated effort to unravel myself from myself.  Every time I went to react, I chose to act instead.  I chose to consciously and purposely move instead of chaotically flounder.  What did I want the outcome to be was the penetrating thought with my every word, with my every movement.  If I wanted love, I had to project love.  If I wanted peace, I had to seek it.  If I wanted understanding, I had to understand.  If I wanted something to be beautiful, I had to first believe that I was, in whatever form.  If I wanted forgiveness, I had to forgive myself first and foremost.  

I dusted off the hope chest of myself and went through each shred of paper, photograph, poem, travel, lover, lesson and embraced them all….one by one.  I incorporated the pieces of me into a wholeness of the being that I was now.  I took the 14 year girl in me who had been stopped in her tracks with anguish and held her hand and let her know that she was ok.  I had this now and we were gonna be just fine.  I stared my 30 year old self in the face, hugged her really fucking hard and said, “You will get through this and be far greater than you could ever comprehend.”  And I let her rest.  

I decided to be a little bit more gentle with myself.  To drink less wine.  Absorb more air.  I decided to envision, visualize, believe.  I would whisper as I drove for miles in my car, in the middle of the night, “Wherever you are, the rest of my life, I love you, I’m grateful for you and I’m ready when you are…”  I allowed myself the ability to wait patiently, to flow with the current instead of fighting the tide.  I would get where I needed to go if I could just float.  Just be.

And slowly but surely, it came.  Because slowly but surely I was ready to see it, to embrace it.  To recognize it.

There are a thousand cliches of self help.  But in the end, it’s two words.  Help yourself.  Stop waiting for some lightening to crack from the sky of your being to jolt a change forward.  Be your own electricity.  Stop grunting and start being.  There is no elixir.  There is no magic moment. It’s one foot in front of the other, doing the next right thing.  Being the next right thing.  It’s about being a boomerang.  What you project out will be what comes back.  It’s about releasing yourself of instant gratification and having patience with the process. It’s about having a process.  

I still falter. I am human.  But I would so much rather this, the strangely beautifully confusing moments to be my story than the last moment being that I was stupid enough to lose out on the next chapter because I might be willing to play a stupid game of staring down the barrel of something I might not be able to come back from. 

This is beautiful.  This is life and this is enough.  I am enough.

Thanks for listening.

I Love You Still

Super honored to have a piece of my writing published via Elephant Journal xo

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/10/i-love-you-still/

A year ago....London calls, and home beckons...

-->

"And in the end, we were all just humans drunk, drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." - F. Scott Fitzgerald

The dishwasher hums.  The washing machine churns.  It’s a Saturday night and I listen to him lull her to sleep.  A year ago this weekend I was in London.  I was leaving Noely, Tree and Simon at a train station as I took the journey to Hackney to end the last night, in the wee hours of the morn, in Johanna’s kitchen with her and Amanda.  Things have changed.  A lot.

A year ago at this time I was on an incredible spiritual journey.  I was deeply in therapy; I was working with a Shaman.  I had made a difficult conscious choice to change my life.  At whatever cost that came.  I had decided that I would be alone, for the rest of my life if that is what it all would mean, to find the only true love that I could ever really hold on to.  Myself.  A year ago today, I decided that although I was broken, I was not unfixable.  A year ago today, I decided to rewrite my story.

And so, surprisingly even to me, I did just that.  I took all of my broken bits, beautiful moments, tragedy and confusion and pieced myself together again, one stitch at a time.  Had I met him any sooner, I would’ve blindly walked passed him.  I wasn’t ready.  Not for him. Most certainly not for her.  I was only beginning to grasp the concept of letting go of all that which I could not control.  I was only beginning to grasp that this, all of this, was about so much more if I could only allow myself to see it.

To seek peace – at whatever cost seems like a strange concept really.  Shouldn’t it just be a natural state?  For many perhaps.  Not for me.  It had never been my way.  I always thought too much, felt too much, saw too much.  The majority of my life had been spent trying to save other people all of the while feeling completely selfish in doing what I wanted.  To clarify, some may have felt shorted by me, however I could never find a way to express that it was just that others needed me more.  Until I guess the moment arose that I realized perhaps I needed me more.

I dreamt of London last night and it wasn’t until I sat down to write tonight that I realized the timing.  A year ago today I was in the flurry of a soulful hurricane.  Myself, everyone around me igniting.  Everything I touched kept leading others and myself on a path.  In no grammatical eloquence I can only say it this way – it was the trippiest time of my fucking life.  The Universe was this orb following me.  Pushing me.  Putting me on airplanes, and in circumstances that tested everything about myself that I was supposed to learn and show others.  It was a release and absorption all at once.  The noise of it all was deafening.  

It would be a lie to say that I haven’t been distracted a bit over the past many months.  Of all of that.  The intensity.  The spirituality.  I have him now.  And her now, and my focus has shifted.  But it’s brought about challenge.  Another journey.  Another path. 

Tonight however I am consumed with that time.  The urge to remember that it is about so much more. I hold things within myself again, like I used to.  My back aches for no reason because I don’t know how to release.  I don’t know how to express love and confusion.  I don’t know how to show gratitude with all that I have but to acknowledge and embrace how far I have come.  I don’t know.  How do you hold on to who you have become and release the only thing you have ever known about yourself?  If that even makes sense.

Each night, when I go to sleep, and each morning when I wake, I feel peace.  For both I do with a boy who has decided to hop on my crazy train and embrace the fact that I talk to the Universe, drink too much wine, have more plans than we could ever have time for, buy way too much shit for his daughter than necessary, have long philosophical talks with most of my ex’s and dance randomly in my kitchen.  For that, I would trade nothing. 

However tonight, I wish he knew me a year ago.  Although he was to meet me only a couple short months later, I wish he knew me, as lights burnt out as I walked passed them, as I sought comfort in the stories of strangers, as all of this was unfolding, the finding of me so that I could finally know him. And maybe tonight, I miss me a bit, because she hides sometimes in the shadows of the now…but she is there, fire in her belly, passport in hand….ready…and perhaps the her of then is my clarity of now.  I don’t know.  I’m still learning.

A year ago tomorrow Amanda and I rode in a cab to Heathrow.  She said to me, “You’re a really beautiful person you know, I wish you believed it….” I cried and said, “I wish I did too.” Perhaps now, I believe it a bit more.  All of these things that I’ve done.  All of these things that I have seen.  They are a story within a story.  Perhaps even tonight is too and a decade from now it will be told in a different way, in a different version, with different people around.  But tonight, embodied by a year ago, I am wrapped in the blanked of my now and it is worthy of acknowledgment.

Thanks for listening.  

Chapter Eight

I wake up.  It’s still dark.  My body is pulled into him, his arms and one leg wrapped over me.  He sleeps.  His breathing makes an occasional low whistling sound that makes me smile.  It soothes me.  I turn to look at the clock.  It’s 1:53AM.  I want to sleep, be at peace for a bit but I can’t.  My stomach turns in knots. 

We are codependent.  Emotionally and physically addicted to one another.  He’s my drug.  This is my drug.  I could’ve left.  Gone somewhere, anywhere.  Called Quinn and escaped to the safety of the city but I didn’t.  I stayed.  Watching it all unfold and play out exactly as I knew it would.  Maybe he really will stay this time.  I know the answer before the words escape my mind. 

He feels guilty for loving me.  As I do for loving him.  He’s tortured by having no control.  Everything about his life until he met me had always been so controlled.  I was unexpected.  He wasn't prepared.  

In the beginning it was just pure unadulterated sex.  Tons of it.  Everywhere we could find a minute to be inside of one another we did.  I felt myself changing.  Feeling passion in my life for the first time in perhaps forever.  I became a woman.  Someone that was sexy and empowered. I started wearing lacy bits and dressing differently.  I started believing I was beautiful because that’s how he made me feel when I was with him.  I believe I made him feel the same.  This younger woman lusting after him.  Everything about him was perfect to me.  His body a vehicle for my pleasure that fit me so completely.  We had both fallen into something that needed no words.  It just made sense to us and fulfilled us.  When I wasn’t with him I felt empty, as if the other half of me had been removed. 

And then we began to talk.  Staying up for hours on end, sharing the stories of our lives.  Laughing, giggling.  We began to have secret dinners in far away places where nobody would know us.  We would dance slowly, naked in my apartment.  I always just felt so tiny in his arms, his stature protecting me. Together we were free.  I was falling in love.  Maybe at the time I was in love with the excitement of it all.  With the passion, with feeling alive again but it consumed me.  And when I found out a close friend from college passed away and I called him frantically needing support and after listening to me cry, he whispered, “I just need to see your face and know that you’re ok.” That was it for me.  I told him that I loved him that night.  He was my everything.  My rock.  My lust.  My soul partner.  And that’s why I stayed.  Why I tried to forgive him for his guilt and confusion.  Why I tried to accept his need to go back and regain control.  That was why I was still lying in this bed.

He stirs.  His body heating me.  I unravel myself from him so that I can turn to see his face.  His face looking boyish while he rests.  His hands now tucked under his cheek.  “Peaches…” he whispers.  He had named me this months ago as I was grimacing down at all the small bruises on my shins.  “What’s did you do?” he asks.  “Who knows, I’m anemic, I bruise easily.”  “Like a peach!” he grinned back.  And so it was.  In moments of endearment he would call me Peaches. “Go back to sleep.” He commanded.  “Stop thinking.  You always think too much.  Shhhhh…” he gestures, with his eyes still closed placing his index finger to his lips. 

I slip out of bed to pee.  The lights making my eyes wince.  I stare at my gaunt body in the mirror.  Perhaps this was the only thing that I could control.  My own form of self-mutilation.  It wasn’t a conscious act by any means – simply a reaction of my nervous system but it was in some way the only thing left of me that was mine.  I had given the rest away to him.

I crawl back into bed; he’s now placed a pillow over his head to block the light from the bathroom.  He removes it slowly with his index finger still on his lips, “Shhhhhh….” I elbow him.  He knows I like to talk in the middle of the night.  It calms me.  “Are you still coming to the wedding with me?”  My sister was getting married in two weeks.  It also happened to be my 30^th birthday.  I had planned on ‘debuting’ him as the new guy I was dating.  It all seemed simple enough until I broke down and told Amelia the truth.  “Yes.” He mutters.  I know all of this makes him uncomfortable but he also knows how important it is to me so he’s appeasing me.  He knows he had to appease to make amends. 

I’m relieved.  I want him with me.  I’m always so proud to be with him. 

He pulls me into him and kisses me.  That quiet passionate way we kiss that at times alone through just the shear motions of our lips is enough to make us both erupt.  He kisses every part of me, making amends, asking for forgiveness, pleading for me to stay with him without words.  He climbs inside of me and then stops.  With tears in his eyes he looks down at me, kisses me passionately and says, “Please don’t ever leave me.  No matter how bad I fuck up I need to know you’ll never leave me.”  I’m so shocked to see my Iceman melting on top of me, his tears quietly falling to my cheeks that I begin to cry as well.  He looks so lost.  So terrified.  “I won’t ever leave you.  I promise.  I love you.”   

And in that moment, I meant every word. 

Chapter Seven

“What are you doing here?” I snap icily overlooking the copious amount of sunflowers everywhere.  I am broken and angry and he is not going to control this conversation.  Act, Don’t React, Tarah, I whisper internally.

“I live here.” he responds looking at me with trepidation.  I know this angle.  He’s playing easily on my heart strings.  He’s a salesman after all.  He knows the powers of negotiation, when to concede, when give so that you can get.  All I had wanted was for us to be ‘official’ - to start an actual life, free from hiding and our history.  He’s playing the part, playing his card so that I will break.  I’m not going to break this time.  

“No, you don’t fucking live here.  This is my apartment.  My name is on the lease.  I pay the bills.  You live in the building next door.”  I think of the empty apartment he was renting as a 'stage' in case 'people' came to visit. I am posed, calm, looking at him with laser sharp eyes.  What I want to do is run into his lap sobbing in gratuity that he is back but I won’t.  I can’t.  He needs to know he’s gone too far this time.  He needs to understand my hurt.  “Is that language really necessary Tarah? And yes, I do live here.  Would you like me to give you money for rent to make it official?”  I want to stab him.  “No, I don’t need your FUCKING money.  I want my key back.” “No.” He responds, completely disregarding my request.  

“Where have you been?” He asks.  “Home.” I respond throwing my bag down and walking past him.  He looks relieved, as if for a minute he questioned me leaving him for someone else. “It’s not your home, Tarah.  You don’t live there. This is your home.  You live here – with me.” “This is a holding pattern, this is no fucking home.” I snap back.  “Did you sleep with her?” I ask facing away from him.  He doesn’t respond.  I can hear him breathing.  He shifts.  He doesn’t like this.  He wants to pretend nothing happened.  He wants to get what he wants and make the rest disappear.  My anger is rising.  My stomach twisted and distorted at the thought of him with someone else.  He is mine and I am his.  I don’t give a shit about legal documents.  He is my universe and we are connected through energy and time and there is nothing else for me.  

“Did…you…sleep…with…her…” I say again with a fiery heightened voice.  Act, Don’t React.  “What does it matter?  I love you. I’m here now.  It’s the past, we don’t need to talk about it.”  I bend down and remove the wooden flip flop from my foot.  I walk coolly towards him and in one swift flick of my arm; bash him across his temple with it. So much for not being reactionary.  Note to self to not mention this to John on our call tomorrow.

I’m shocked by what I’ve done but I don’t show it.  I’ve lost all control over my emotions.  I’m frozen.  Waiting.  He doesn’t move.  He sits keeping a steady eye on me.  Did he just like that?  Punishment?  The dramatics.  I can see him thinking.  He’s plotting his next words.  What will he say next?  I’m half a second away from completely breaking down and he knows this.  He’s seen this before.  “Leave.  Please just leave.” My voice cracks.  “I can’t do this anymore.  This is killing me.  This isn’t love.  This is so fucked up.  I can’t pretend this  is ok.  You either love me or you don’t.  You either want this or you don’t.  You’re either sure or you aren’t.  But you can’t keep walking out on me expecting me to welcome you with open arms when you decide yet again that it’s me that you really want because maybe, just maybe I won’t be here anymore.  This is my life.  This is not a game.  Just leave.  Stay gone.  I’m used to it now.  Go back to the big white house and live your life.” Tears are streaming down my face and I don’t mean any words that I am saying but I’m resigned to not live my life like this anymore.  I’m terrified that he will leave but I don’t have the energy for trying.  I’m already so broken that what difference would it make any way?  “Just leave.”  

He stands up, moving slowly towards me.  “I’m sorry.  I’m not going anywhere.  I tried to go back.  I thought it was the right thing to do.  To try.  You were everywhere.  All I saw was you.  I missed you terribly.  I missed my best friend.  I promise, I’m not going anywhere.  I love you.  Come here.” He motions holding out his arms.  I shake my head no.  “T. C’mon.  We can fight all night if you want but I’m not going anywhere.  I’m sorry.  You know you love me so let’s just stop this.”  I shake my head no.  Tears still streaming down my face.  

My head hurts.  So many emotions.  So many thoughts.  Will it always be this way?  Will he always leave me?  Will I always spiral so out of control?  Will he always come back?  It's been over a year of this why aren’t I enough?  How can he love me and hurt me so much.  How can I just always be here waiting?  Everything aches.  I feel unsteady.  The one thing I need is him and the worst thing for me is him.  Standing in front of the person I love, his arms extended I feel wretchedly alone.  

I can’t speak.  There are no words.  I have no defense against him. No arguments.  No sales pitch.  I turn and walk away.  He stands still.  Waiting.  Observing.  I walk into the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror.  I don’t recognize anything about myself anymore.  All I see are sunken, lost eyes peering back at me.  My clavicle protrudes from my sundress.  I am so weak.  

I turn on the shower.  I have nowhere else to go but here.  To hide under water.  Water.  My safety.  My church.  I am not sure if I’m even breathing anymore.  I’m sobbing so uncontrollably but so stifled that I might vomit.  I want someone to come take care of me.  Make all of this go away.  I want him to make it all go away.  I want to run away.  I want to crawl inside of him.  Broken.  Broken.  Broken.  And before I know it he’s standing behind me in the shower yet again.  Watching, observing.  “T.” he whispers and he wraps his arms around me.  “I love you.  I’m sorry.  I promise I’ll make it up to you.  I won’t ever leave you again.” Yes you will floods every part of me and I collapse onto him.  

And then we do all that we know how to do to get ourselves back to each other.  Communicate without words. 

Chapter Six

It’s June 2, 2003.  I’m sitting at the Stamford Marriott bar.  Fidgeting.  Waiting.  Waiting for him.

Days earlier he had called me into his office to negotiate the timing of this meeting.  I feel so small and insignificant standing in his office in front of him as he sits behind his desk. I'm usually so confident and assertive.  I don't understand these emotions. “So what night works best for you?” he asks bluntly referring to my earlier brazen “Just name the time and place” comment.  My palms are sweaty.  I mean is this seriously happening?  

His office is all windows.  I glance outside seeing Quinn saunter across the courtyard joining the two buildings of our offices together.  The sight of him calms me.  

“Erm.  I don’t know. Whenever I guess.  I don’t have much of a life here.”  He looks at me mildly disinterested in my self deprecation.  “Well, I have a friend who’s away,” he responds, “We could go to his house or there’s the Marriott.”  “The Marriott.” I quickly respond.  “I don’t think I’d feel comfortable in a stranger’s house.” I’m a bit disappointed he’s even presented the option.  “The Marriott it is then.  Thursday?”  “Thursday,” I respond with acknowledgment.  “Ok.  6:00. We can meet at the bar and have a drink.  See you there,” he says dismissing me verbally from his office.  So formal.  I feel like an awkward school girl.

Holy fuck.   This is crazy.  

The bartender places a napkin in front of me.  It’s 5:55.  I’m early for everything.  “What can I get you?” she asks.  What do cool people that meet CEO’s at a bar to have a one night stand drink?  “Martini.  Up.  With olives.”  That seems sexy.  I don’t normally drink hard liquor but nerves are about to get the better of me so I need something with a punch.  She places it quickly in front of me and I gulp.  Ugh.  Vapor burn sending calm to my nervous system.  “Ms. Cammett.”  I look up.  He’s here.  He’s looking down at me with a slight grin.   

Holy fuck.  This is really happening.  

He stands in front of me.  I study him.  He’s an attractive man.  He commands attention when he walks into a room.  He’s wearing a freshly pressed blue Ralph Lauren shirt and jeans with a suit jacket.  He has chocolate hair and these eyes, these caramel colored observing eyes.  His lips look soft.  He places his hands on the bar to sit beside me.  He has nice hands.  I like a man's hands. Thick fingers.  Groomed.  He smells clean.  No cologne.  Just soap.  He scans the room.  

The bartender scurries over to him. He gives an acknowledging nod to her.  “Grey Goose on the rocks.  Splash of soda.  Extra limes.”  He turns to look at me.  Ugh.  I wish I had done something with myself.  I have no glamour.  I’m wearing a black and white striped strapless cotton dress with a denim jacket over it.  My hair is still wet and stuck to my head and I only have a hint of lip gloss on.  Why is he even here?  I fidget.  What are you doing you freak, you don’t fidget.  What do I say, what could we possibly have to talk about?  “You should sit up straight, slouching isn’t good for you.”  He looks at me, disapproving my posture. I perk up and shoot my shoulders back.  My insecurity wells up into my chest. “I’ll have another martini please.”  He raises an eyebrow.  “Thirsty?” he asks.  “I’m nervous.” I whisper back.  “Me too,” he says.  This shocks me.  He, the Iceman is nervous.  I calm. I do better when someone else is in need and I’m relieved that he’s actually human.  

After 3 martinis and some small talk he hands me a hotel room key.  “You can go up first.  I’ll follow.”  Holy fuck.  “Ok,” I grumble nervously.  I bolt out of the bar and run first to the nearby bathroom.  My cheeks are flushed.  There’s nothing more I can do with my appearance.  I flip my head upside down, fluff my hair and head to the elevator.  In that moment a tiny voice whispers in my head.  You can leave Tarah; you don’t have to do this.  I shush her.  It’s just going to be one time.  It’s an adventure I reassure myself.  Just a one night stand.  

It’s just a standard hotel room.  White comforter, printed chairs.  I drop my bag on the floor.  What do I do?  Am I supposed to position myself seductively on the bed?  I’m such an amateur.  What do sexy people do?  My palms are sweating.  Shit, I’m buzzed.  I feel a little dizzy.  Maybe I’ll pass out and save myself from the embarrassment.  

I hear the electronic key in the door.  Dammit, what do I do?  I have no time.  I stand still and turn towards the door.  He’s going to have to take the lead on this one.  He walks in.  He takes his jacket off and places it neatly on the luggage rack and stands in front of me.  I look up and stare meekly into his caramel eyes.  And then he does something that surprises me and throws me off of my already twisted center.  He kisses me.  He takes both of his hands, brings my face towards his and he kisses me.  Sweetly and nervously.  And gently.  His lips are soft.  I melt into the floor of the room.  

I haven’t been kissed in so long.  

This kissing builds momentum.  It takes on a hurried longing.  We stand there.  Two lost souls craving solace from one another.  Two strangers in a strange room clinging on to each other as if it’s our last hope for something that's been lost.  He throws me onto the bed and it begins.  An endless night of lovemaking.  6, 7, 8 times.  It doesn’t stop.  It's truly as if our bodies were made for one another.  He fits inside of me as if he was designed for me.  There is an energy, an electricity between us.  We fall together with such ease.  There is little time for banter or getting to know one another.  We communicate through our bodies and release all that is lost into each other.  Something inside of me has been sparked alive.

I wake up in a haze.  Where am I…..oh…I’m immediately nervous.  He’s lying beside me with his arm draped lightly over me.  Should I talk?  Do I act dismissive?  This is a one night stand after all – although I’ve never had one - don’t people act non-chalant and scurry out the door?  I want to kiss him.  He looks peaceful.  I kiss his shoulder.  He rolls over and looks at me - his eyes blinking slowly awake.  He doesn’t speak.  He kisses my lips.  I feel honored.  Isn’t that strange?  To feel honored to be kissed.  There is such immediate intimacy between us it's soul altering.  Without words he climbs inside of me again.  

“I have to go to work,” I whisper and we lay draped around one another.  “We have to go to work.” I murmur again.  I slowly get up reaching for my dress that was thrown frivolously across the room the night before.  I walk to the bathroom and turn on the shower.  I climb in letting the scent of him wash off of me.  It almost saddens me.  My mind tries to process.  What is this wordless connection to this human?  This energy?  I’ve never felt this before.  Don’t think Tarah.  It was a one night stand sister.  It’s just sex.  That’s the connection.  Sex.  Don’t think.  You’ll ruin everything.  Be sexy and dismissive Tarah.  And as I stand talking to myself he surprises me again.  He’s standing behind me in the shower.  Watching.  Observing.   

This is no fucking one night stand, my inner conscious whispers.  

And so it began. 

Chapter Five

I can barely hug Amelia and Tyler goodbye.  My stomach just sinks.   Why don’t I just walk away from everything and start over again here?  I know I can stay with them until I get on my feet.  I would be ok.  So what if my career is completely skyrocketing, I’m traveling all over the world and learning more than I ever thought possible.  I could rebuild that again back here.  Soon.  I’ll come back soon.

“You don’t have to go, T” she says.  We look at each other knowingly.  Yes, I do.  “Listen, I’m outta here before I have a complete meltdown.  I love you guys.  Thank you for everything.  It helped.  Truly.  I’ll call you later.  See you at the Cape in a couple of weeks.” I quickly hug them both and dash into my car swallowing back the nugget that has risen in my throat.  I give them an I’m-totally-ok smile and begin my journey back to silence.

I haven’t looked at my phone since the beach.  I shut it off actually.  That will send a signal.  Act Don’t React scrolls boldly across my head.  My entire system is out of control.  My head is spinning and heavy as I drive.  So many emotions flood through me.  Anger, sadness, relief, fear, love, insanity, wreckage, chaos, exhaustion, trepidation, weakness, strength.  I swim in all of them.  It gets the best of me.  I turn on my phone.  1 more voice mail.  3 more missed calls.  6 texts.  I listen to the first voice mail.

His voice is calm.  Almost shyly chipper and optimistic, as if we’d just spoken hours ago and ‘this’ wasn’t between us. He’s pretending nothing has happened.  I’ve heard this tone before. “Hi.  It’s me.  Where are you?  Your car’s been gone for a couple of days, you’re not at the apartment and now I’m worried and you’re not picking up so just please call back and let me know you’re ok.”

REALLY?  WHERE AM I? WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN FOR ALMOST TWO WEEKS?  I know where he’s been.  That’s the most difficult part.  He’s done it before.  REALLY? YOU’RE FUCKING WORRIED?  I know this trick buddy.  Play on my guilt strings and incessant need to make everyone feel ok so that I HAVE to call you back so that YOU DON’T WORRY.  I’ve lost about 12 pounds in 9 days, I haven’t slept, and I’m now in fucking therapy – that’s FUCKING WORRY.  I stare at my phone in disbelief.  I know this game well.  We’ve played it many times.

I listen to voice message number two.  There are no words.  He’s driving.  He’s holding the phone up to the speakers.  And then I hear these words being sung through the phone:

Tell her not to go
I ain't holding on no more
Tell her something in my mind freezes up from time to time

Tell her not to cry
I just got scared that's all
Tell her I'll be by her side, all she has to do is call

Tell her the chips are down
I drank too much and shouted it aloud
Tell her something in my heart
Needs her more than even clowns need the laughter of the crowd.

Tell her what was wrong
I sometimes think too much
But say nothing at all
And tell her from this high terrain, I am ready now to fall.

Tell her not to go
I ain't holding on no more
Tell her nothing if not this; all I want to do is kiss her.

Tell her something in my mind
Freezes up from time to time.

Tears well up in my eyes.  It’s my favorite song by Del Amitri.  Our song.  He’s good.  I’ll give him that.  And as angry, frustrated and confused as I am, I can’t help but love him for a minute.  This is us.  Unhealthy fucked up us.  And everything about it is wrong but I’ve missed him so much, been so sick without him that there’s a relief that washes over me.  Maybe we will always be like this and maybe I can’t be helped and maybe that’s ok.  No, Tarah, it’s not ok, I snap back to myself.  This is not fucking ok.  This Tarah, is emotional manipulation and you’re falling for it hook, line and sinker.  My mind, heart, soul and instinct stand in battle with one another.  Defending and condemning.  This is what I do.  This is what we do. 

I listen to the third message.  His voice is now strained.  Heightened a bit. Frustrated.  “Well, now you’ve shut your phone off so it’s obvious you don’t want to talk to me.  I’m sorry.  I don’t know why I do what I do.  I don’t have any answers.  All I know is that I love you.  Call me.”  

Click.

Act Don’t React I keep whispering to myself over and over.  The red words streaming.  I put my phone down and continue to drive, lost in thought, memory, and music.  

It’s dusk when I pull up to my apartment.  My stomach writhing in knots.  Sunday’s used to be my favorite day of the week, I now dread them.  The hours are counted and marked by how quickly I’ll have to be back there.  I pull out my keys and unlock the door.  Of course he has a key, I say to myself as I look at the hundreds of sunflowers covering every surface of my tiny studio apartment.  Sunflowers.  My favorite.  

And there he sits on the stool by the counter postured for the reckoning.  He stares at me with curious anticipation as our eyes lock - looking at me like he did the first night we were ever together.

Act Don’t React, Tarah.

Chapter Four

I had driven at mock speed to get there.  My ocean.  My Amelia – my life-long best friend since the 4^th grade.  The girl who, besides my sister, knows me better than I know myself.  Pulling off the exit I roll down all of the windows and breathe in the salt air.  A calm rushes over me.  I am safe here.  

I turn into their long driveway and see the lights on.  Thank God.  I throw my bag over my shoulder, cut through the garage and push through the kitchen door flashing my best, Yay, I’m so excited to be home and see you guys, smile.  Tyler, Amelia’s husband is standing in the kitchen.  “T!” he exclaims walking swiftly toward me.  “I need a TT hug!” he says as he scoops me up, kisses me on the cheek and bear hugs me.  “We’ve missed you!”  It takes every fiber of my being not to collapse in his arms.  He’s become like a brother and I adore him.  After he finally releases me, “Wine” he asks?  I give him the nod and he scurries to the wine fridge.  

“Hi TT,” my best friend says as she looks up from her magazine.  She flashes me a smile with the whitest teeth known to man.  I sigh at her and bend down to kiss her on her head.  She looks so pretty with her long wavy caramel hair and slate blue eyes.  She’s happy. “Hey.” I sigh again.  She knows immediately something isn’t right.  “Jesus Christ T!  Have you eaten lately?  I’ve never seen you this skinny!”  “It’s been a shitty few months,” I retort.  I teeter on the brink.  Exhaustion, devastation seeping in and I’m finally safe.  Tyler reappears with my favorite Sauvignon Blanc.  I welcome it and we all toast.  Tyler with his dark black hair and childlike dancing dark eyes puts his arm around Amelia and squeezes her - trying to steal a kiss.  She wiggles away.  She’s loving but not affectionate and I think he does it partially to torture her.  She rolls her eyes at me and swats him away.

Amelia stares at me quizzically.  She knows I’ll speak when I’m ready.  She doesn’t push.  I take in the enormity of their home.  We still seem so young to have all of this.  “You painted the kitchen?” I ask, looking around.  Everything is pink and green.  Very Amelia.  “Yes, isn’t it awesome?” – She knows I hate it.  Personally, I would prefer everything is painted black these days anyway, so I roll my eyes at her and grin, “For you, yes, I love it.”  We have very different tastes.  We all know this.  “Let’s sit on the porch, it’s nice out tonight,” she stands up motioning to the door.  I follow.  I breathe more relief.  

The wine flows easily between us.  I’m quickly buzzed having not eaten for two days and having not slept in what feels like months.  She’s had just about enough of waiting for me to spill it and her patience is waning.  I know her too well.  I stare into space and in mid conversation I whisper, “I’ve been having an affair with...”  I can’t say the rest of the words.  They disgust me.  I’m so ashamed.  Here my best friend is newly married and I’m trashing the sanctity of it. “I mean, he’s married, but he’s not – they are separated…now.  It’s complicated.”  I’m terrified to look at her.  Fearful that she’ll judge me.  I judge myself ferociously – why wouldn’t she?  I’m now sobbing uncontrollably.  There is no pride in any of this.   Tyler watches quietly.  Without a flinch she looks right into my eyes and says, “Obviously.  Do you think I’m an idiot?  All of those secret calls when you visit, you randomly disappearing and then randomly showing up back here.  Me asking you about your life and you giving me no answers.  I knew you were into something fucked up.  I’ve just been waiting for you to tell me what it was.  Now, tell me everything about him,” she says devilishly as if I just handed her my own personal version of People magazine.  She’s obviously been waiting awhile for this moment.  I look at Tyler with disbelief, he shrugs.  “We love you T.”  I’m stupefied.  Relieved.  Still sobbing in shame.  She’s my best friend, she knows I can’t get through this without her and she provides a shelter for my confessions.  I am safe.  

The weekend passes far too quickly.  Since I’m home, all of the girls gather.  Everyone has returned back to the ocean to settle into their lives.  I can always find them there.  Tyler is happy to have the house buzzing with guests.  We cook.  We drink.  We laugh.  For a time, in moments, I feel normal again.  Until I think of him and my stomach wrenches and chokes me.  But it's less and I feel a glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe there's a chance for me to get myself out of this.  Maybe.

It’s Sunday and we’re sitting on the beach.  It’s a gorgeous day.  The pit in my stomach grows knowing that I have to go back tonight.  Back to the silence.  It’s been so good for me being here - being surrounded by life.  “I don’t want to go back,” I whisper to the Universe.  Amelia finally looks and me and says, “Listen, I’m not going to lecture you because clearly you’re not in a good place – and I know you’re trying to do the right thing with this Dr. Weirdo.  But you need to get away from this guy.  At least until he’s sorted his life out.  I know you love him but this isn’t good TT.  Look at you.”  “ I know.” I say staring out at the water.  “He’s gone anyway,” I say blinking back tears.  “He’ll be back Tarah.  You know that.  It’s just a matter of what you choose to do when he returns.”  “I know.”  I have no argument, defense or logic.  I run down the beach and dive into the ocean.  I float and listen to myself breathe for what seems like hours. 

After awhile I meander back to the blanket and Amelia is staring with an annoyed look in her eyes.  “Someone clearly wants to talk to you….” she says as she passes me my phone.  5 Missed calls.  2 Voice Mails.  4 Texts.  1 Email. Him.  He’s back and he's back with a vengeance.  His timing is fucking impeccable as always.  

I throw my phone down, run back to the water and disappear into the waves. 

Chapter Three

I lean against my counter tapping lightly.  Staring at my phone.  It’s 5:58 PM.  I have my first call with Dr. Weirdo in 2 minutes.  I’m very disinterested.  I don’t want to talk about it all.  I can’t even fathom how the fuck I got here so I highly doubt anyone can help me sort it out.  But I have to at least try.  I know this might be the only way out of this darkness.

Ring.

“Hi John.”  “Hello Tarah, how are you?” “Never better,” I grumble sarcastically.  And so it begins.  The conversation is surprisingly effortless and he is surprisingly interesting.  I have an immediate ease not having to look someone in the eye.  I feel that I can be more open, honest.  I listen intently as he tells me a bit about his history, losing everything to ultimately find something better.  He explains emotional addiction to me – codependence.  It is clear, that what I have fallen into is this.  

We talk very little about the ‘now’.  Him.  He wants my history.  The back story.  I presume it’s to understand how I may have ended up at the now.  How I’ve ended up entangled in him.

“So tell me what happened to you around…let me guess?  Age 14?  Because something happened and there’s still a 14 year old girl standing still inside of you.  Your reactions are coming from her.” Holy shit.  This guy is good.  I didn’t need to think about it.  I’ve always known that everything changed for me at that age.  “My father lost his job, my family ultimately lost everything we had and he became an alcoholic.”  This wasn’t news to me, or anyone in my life for that matter.  I have always been open about everything about myself.  Well, until him.  This intrigued John.  This he could work with.  

He pegs my traits to a T.  Apparently I’m ridiculously text book and exhibit many of the symptoms of an adult child of an alcoholic.  Such as:

...guessing at what normal is.

...have difficulty in following a project through from beginning to end (not with work but with anything else).

...judge themselves without mercy.

...have difficulty with intimate relationships (for me it was with men).

...overreact to changes over which they have no control.

...feel that they are different from other people.

...are either super responsible or super irresponsible.

...are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that loyalty is undeserved.  

The last one stops me.  Extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that loyalty is undeserved.  Him.

"Tarah?  Are you still there?" Oh shit.  I snap myself quickly back to reality.  To John.  "Yes, still here.  Sorry," I mumble.  "Tarah, this is a process, not an event.  It took a long time for you to get this way, it's going to take awhile to unravel it.  Remember, process, not an event."  I make a mental note.  "What's important for you to remind yourself right now - because you are emotionally vulnerable is to Act: Not React.  Write that down, Tarah.  Make that your mantra over the next few months.  Because every time you're reactionary, you take a step backwards." Is it possible for me to take any steps backward?  I'm sitting at the bottom of a fucking well.

"So, what do you think?  You up for the challenge? Would you like to continue with this?" he asks.  I stare intently at the wall.  I like him.  He's a nice soul.  He's honest, humorous, self aware. I have to believe in something right now.  Anything.  Even a door knob.  Maybe he can be my doorknob.  "I'm up for it," I say mustering up every bit of internal gusto that I have.  "Good" he replies.  "How's Monday at noon?"  "Works for me," as I make a mental notation to block a conference room.  "I'm going to call and check in on you every now and then Tarah.  You don't have to answer the phone, I just want to remind you that you are wanted, needed and loved."  I groan.  This sappy shit might be the death of this relationship real quick.  "Don't worry, I won't pick up."  He laughs.  "Bye John, talk to you Monday."

Click.

I open my fridge, pull out the wine, fill it to the brim and take a large swig.  I feel a bit better; lighter having talked, having taken a step to help myself.  Maybe there's hope.  I sit in front of my computer and update my screen saver to be scrolling text in bright red.

ACT DON'T REACT

I scan my email.  Nothing.  No word from him.  I glance nervously at my phone.  Silence.  So much silence.  I can't bare another day in the office tomorrow.  Pacing.  Waiting.  Looking.  I email my boss.  There's an 'emergency' back home.  I need to work remotely.  I grab a duffel bag, throw some clothes in, grab my toothbrush and my keys and I leave the silence behind me. 

I text Amelia.  "Leave a light on for me, I'm coming home."

Sunday Meandering Thoughts

Age is irrelevant my ass.

I hate when people say that cliché shit.  You’re only as old as you feel and what not and not.  Here’s the thing.  I feel 23 on most days and mentally definitely feel more comfortable vibing there but I’m not 23.  I’m 37.  I have a god damned frow brow crease thingy for Christ’s sake.  It’s legit.  So….yah, I’m getting old and regardless of what I tell myself, it’s the evitable. 

Can I hang with the cool kids, talk pop culture, crack witty jokes, tweet my ass off….sure – but here’s the difference between 23 year old Tarah and 37 year old Tarah.  1.  I see absolutely no reason to stay up past midnight unless I’m having a deliriously fun time.  Nothing good ever happens after midnight (well some things….).  Trust me. 2.  I have a mortgage.  Nuff said there.  3.  I no longer look 23 when I wake up.  It takes hours of adjustment to light for my eyes to remotely make a formation that resembles someone that is awake.  4.  You can’t bounce a dime off my ass anymore and my tits are like a National Geographic cover – and both those things alone in my 20’s got me VERY far.  5.  I have a deep propensity for not reacting.  Reacting to everything in your 20’s creates most of the fun.  Hence, my life isn’t nearly as entertaining.  6.  If I eat more than a salad I have to run 4 extra miles at the gym and do 80 Zumba classes to burn it off (so I haven’t actually done a Zumba class but I hear it works).  In my 20’s, I drank about 8 cans of Coke a day alongside fried salami and cheese sandwiches weighing a solid buck 10.  7.  You couldn’t pay me a million dollars to ever do a hallucinogenic again.  I’m far too smart.  I won’t elaborate on what I did in my 20’s.  8.  Things hurt far more in your 30’s because you’ve lived through a lot and life and lives become more and more important.  9.  In my 30’s I have to give a shit what people think of me.  For my godchildren, for my career.  In my 20’s….I didn’t.  Whether I should have or not, it was liberating.  10.  Finally, I live my life as if there’s still a chance that I will have all of the things that I wanted: aka a child….and there’s a really good chance I won’t but that’s what happens when you think you’re still 23 and the world is your oyster – closing doors for opportunities perhaps you should’ve thought about for a few more seconds before closing.

So, what are the good bits about being older?  Well, there’s a hefty ration of things that suck but a few things that make it all worthwhile are: 1.  Calm and Forgiveness.  A lot more calm and forgiveness.  2.  Being able to afford a mortgage.  3.  Being ok with going to bed before midnight and resting securely that you’re not missing a fucking thing.  4.  Having ‘been there’ and giving advice with absolute confidence.  5.  Having National Geographic tits that make for lovely late night fodder as you and your lover try to slap each other across the face with them.  6.  Selflessness.  I don’t care what you say, you know nothing of this until your 30’s and serious shit starts to go down and except for rarities, nothing serious happens in your 20’s.  7.  Blowing off the gym because you’re totally cool with enjoying life instead recognizing that laughter and love creates a far greater high.  8.  Those rare moments when someone tells you that you’re beautiful because you’d almost forgotten.  And, for a moment, you feel like you’re 23 again.  9.  Crying once and moving on.  Not crying for days.  10.  That if I decide to have a child, I have a million options – most of which don’t include a white picket fence and a tuxedo but I’ll kick ass with nonetheless. 

I wouldn’t change my 30-something-year-old mind for my 20’s but at times I wish I could go back with all the knowledge I have now.  I would’ve made for one stellar soul to contend with.  Now, well now I just waffle between time and space, telling myself that it’s all ok.  I am, after all, still that girl.  Regardless of the shell that now covets her.

And there you have the ramblings of my mind this evening.

Thanks for listening.

Bricks

I live in a big house.  It’s not a mansion of sorts but for wee old me, it’s big enough.  3 stories of which are not used except a kitchen, a bedroom and a bathroom.  I tell you this for a reason of which you’ll come to understand.  Read on.

Houses are symbolic of the self.  In the instance that you know me or actually read this rubbish that I write you’ve come to understand there are some pieces of the puzzle that haven’t exactly sorted themselves into the whole quite yet.  My house has been like this.  Rooms painted colors that I didn’t really vibe with, empty spaces and walls, things from my past that no longer suited who I’ve become etc. etc. – you get the gist.  A half ass ensembled structure housing me.  Get it yet?

This Fall I decided that it was proper time to work on the house.  On every level.  Existentially, physically, structurally….etc….etc…So, I embarked in a redecoration effort of the soul.  Material objects, as well as my conscious.  I enlisted the help of my BFF who has a flair for design and I enlisted the help of a therapist.  Two crucial elements in this process. 

I had come leaps bounds in a short amount of time – feeling as if I just might do this, and do this right.  Fix my house and all that lay within and then some.  I went sort of into a phase of riding on a euphoric high of rediscovery, hope, and excitement.  The world was my oyster.  I was changing the colors of my life.  I was getting there.  And…then…the fucking chair never came in.  This one chair that was supposed to complete the room.  The one chair that I needed to complete my ‘space’ – my now ‘being’, was lost in transit somewhere, lost in a state of coloring fabric and velvet undertones.  And then things came to a screeching halt.  The redesign faded quickly into a repetitive pattern of distain for existsence….

Stupid traffic jams of life. 

And then it hit me.  I had escaped all of the realistic undertones by riding on a high of things to come, not what was, so in essence, I was still…still.  My house wasn’t ready to be to finished because I was distracted from the real work.  Is this vibing?  My house wasn’t ready to be finished because I wasn’t even close to being a ¼ of the way there yet.  It wasn’t about the structure of walls; it was the structure of my humanity that was still in process.  Until that was done, the chair would never come.

I didn’t like this.  I rebelled like a motherfucker.  I did stupid things.  I am an impatient soul.  I can’t help it.  However, I then grew tired and stopped.  I got back to the foundational work.  The most important bit to build this ‘house’.  I slowly covered gaps with cement to make it stronger.  I allowed myself to be in it.  One step forward, 5 steps back. 10 steps forward, 3 steps back.  Life.

I got the call on Friday.  The chair has been shipped.  I think I’m ready for that room to be complete now.  There are 3 more rooms to go that are in process.  By the spring, I think it will be a beautiful place to be. 

Make sense?

Thanks for listening. 

Rock City and Me - Like Peas and Carrots Again...

Beck and I always talk about the effects of being 30,000 feet in the air.  It makes you think.  Maybe it’s the quiet, the vulnerability, the passing over the energy of new lands – whatever it is, I’m not sure but it makes my mind sort of melt and the desire to purge every thought appears.  

Today I escaped the office for a bit and walked around Detroit.  It was cold out but I felt sort of numb so I didn’t notice.  I had my headphones in, sunglasses on, sort of lost in thought and air and time roaming the streets wishing I had my camera to capture some of the beauty hidden within this dilapidated city.  

I had walked back there to see if I could catch a glimpse of some sunlight on my face, but he wasn’t around.  I walked slowly, which isn’t really like me.  I have ridiculously long legs.  I basically sprint everywhere.  But it was calming.  Just breathing.  Just being.  Getting lost in my head for a bit and imagining life being different.  It seemed fitting to peer through empty windows of empty buildings.  

Most people think you’re insane to walk around Detroit alone but it doesn’t scare me.  I have sort of fallen in love with the city over the past couple of years.  It reminds me of myself.  Something sort of broken down, that used to be beautiful and thriving - and that one day might be great again.  Maybe that sounds like some fluffy literary symbolism but it’s how I feel.  I find comfort in Detroit.  Or perhaps things that dwell within.  I find comfort in the hope of it all.  

I thought about my life.  The goodness of it.  The sadness of it.  The loathness of it over the past couple of years.  The hopefulness of it.  Maybe it’s my city of hope.  The place I need to go to in order to be reminded that anything can be rebuilt.

Last night a soul friend held my hand and said nice things.  I know he wants me to be o.k., to find my happiness.  I want that too.  I’m trying.  I just get lost sometimes and veer down the wrong path.  More so, I just get tired.  Fighting for yourself is exhausting – but what else can you do?  

Anyway, I digress….Detroit.  There is beauty and life within that city and for whatever reason it came into my life, I’m grateful.  There is an ellipsis there.  It’s not over.  There is just a pause of things to come.  Like this.  Like me……

Thanks for listening.