Sitting in the kitchen. Windows open. Blizzard. Snow drifts wafting through the screen and falling on my face. The cold feels good.

Today I started crying. I didn't stop. For hours. I haven't cried in quite some time. Perhaps it is because I rallied through two holidays. Quite well I might add. I have been pushing. Persevering. Being. Accepting. And then I broke a bit today. It's not a woe is me pity thing. It happens. We as humans have emotions. They need to come out. They came out.

I'm not sure what I was crying for. Perhaps the memory. Perhaps that at 36 I feel so far away from the things I believe truly matter. Perhaps because it's a blizzard and though I could be surrounded right now I chose to be here, hiding in my kitchen with the windows open, blowing cold air on my face, thinking. Writing. Perhaps it's because I can't change time and space and decisions long since past. Perhaps it's because I'm just a girl sometimes, who likes to be alone, listen to sad songs and think about that which I can't control.

I want to save the world. Myself included. I want everyone to be happy, filled with love - with peace. I want smiles and unicorns and rainbows. I want the intangible.

And so I sit. I my kitchen. With my wine and my smokes, staring into a storm and wondering how it is that I will shovel myself out. Literally, and figuratively.

I have been waiting for a long time to know the answer. There is so much beauty cept that one little widget that won't seem to sort itself. I wish it would. I wish I would.