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My hand rubbed the cassette cover. He had made me a mixed tape to bring on my journey. I barely knew him. I can’t even remember his name now but
I believe to him, I was much more.
To me, he was a moment to occupy space and time before I left.
Staring out the window as the highway silenced past me I was
lost in thought. Having no idea
what I was doing, only knowing that I had to do it. All that pulled me from my melancholy anticipation was her
grabbing my hand.
“Hey.” I smiled looking over at her. Her eyes welling with tears. My mother,
in the front seat slightly turned her head to listen. “Do you really have to go?” she whispered. “I don’t know if I can handle things
without you. I’m sick to my
stomach.” She was so gentle, this
dear friend of mine whom I had lived with at university and who I was leaving
behind to ‘find myself’ somewhere in London. We were two polar opposites. She a preppy, virgin, wealthy Jew, me, a wild, non-virgin,
Birkenstock wearing, dirt poor, Atheist.
Yet somehow, in each other we found acceptance, intrigue and comfort. “Delilah,
you’ll be fine. We’ll talk on the
phone every day, I’ll write you letters constantly, and I’ll be back before you
know it. Promise. I have to go. I’m sort of dying here. I need to see what else is out there.” I try to sound confident but inside I
had no idea what the fuck I was doing or why. I’m just running.
20 years old and already running. “Promise.” I said again, squeezing her
hand extra tight giving her the ‘I so mean this…not…smile’. “Dad, how much longer til JFK?” “Less
than an hour Weezy,” he said with a crack in his throat. Above all else, I believe he was taking
it the worst. I was his baby, and best friend and I was leaving him to muddle
through without me.
JFK was chaotic.
Hundreds of college students registering, waiting in line, lugging
enormous suitcases, staring nervously around them, mimicking smiles to appear
friendly as they embarked to study abroad and leave their families and friends
for a year or more.
I’ve never done well with goodbyes so my exit was
quick. I pointed around to the
chaos and shooed my parents and Delilah away. “I’ve got it from here – you have a long drive back…just
go.” As I placed my imaginary
armor on, I was cracking…slowly.
Things became dizzy and I became overheated. Hugs, my parents crying, Delilah holding on to me too
tightly. I was swallowing rocks to
not break. As they left the airport,
and walked past the window I knew nothing else to do but stick up my middle
finger and mouth the words “Fuck You” – mostly to make them laugh, but mainly
because I was terrified and suddenly felt incredibly abandoned.
Once out of site I crumbled uncontrollably. Running to the bathroom I was
hyperventilating with fear. Caught
between trying all that I could to pull myself together and to release the
fear, I was a convulsing child.
Splashing my face in the sink and doing all that I could to find my
center an arm touched mine. “It’s
ok. I just did the same
thing. Here…” as I look up there
is a pile of paper towels in front of me to which I dove into. Mortified and grateful for a moment of
kindness. Deep breath. Deep breath. I stand up and stare at her in the mirror. She stares back with an empathtic
smile. “Hey, I’m Maris – goodbye’s
suck. I know,” she says as she
extends her hand to greet mine. “Hi, I’m Willow.” I retort half looking her in the eyes, half
staring at my Doc Martens. “Yes,
goodbyes, not my thing - sorry, I feel like an ass…” stopping my apology
mid-air knowing it isn’t required.
She waves her hand in the air gesturing all is forgotten. She’s vey pretty. Milky skin with freckles, voluptuous
figure and hazelnut hair. Tall and
statuesque, emitting a devilish and soulful, kind energy. “You smoke?” she
asked. “Jesus, yes…” I reply. “Good, come with me. I met a chic that has some weed. We’ve got 4 hours to kill before the
flight – we might as well make it worth our while.
And so there Maris became a part of me, in the
most vulnerable of my moments, she pulled me up and pushed me into all that I
was afraid of but that would be the beginning of all that I was to become.
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