Traffic

"I’m scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I’m with you." – Dirty Dancing

How do I write this in a way that makes sense?

I sat tonight, having just watched a movie, having just done some reading, having had a solid workout, feeling good – then out of nowhere my heart started to hurt….literally – I could physically feel my heart.  A weird uncomfortable ache and it had nothing to do with me but it overcame nonetheless.  The appetite for the dinner I had slowly been cooking for hours, lost.  A blanket of sadness overcame.

The life of an empath I presume.  It had nothing to do with me but I couldn’t reach the source – it was too far away.  I could only just feel the feelings. And so I wallowed within them and prayed for light for those I love. 

The road is difficult.  There is a place here by the ocean.  It’s beautiful.  We call it Sandy Point.  You have to drive 6 miles to get there.  Part of the road is paved and smooth.  The other bit rocky and dirt and you have to drive slow.  But it’s worth it when you get to the end and it’s beautiful, tranquil and perfect.  My church.  Symbolic enough I presume.  Life.  The journey to get to the beautiful bits.

It’s going to be ok.  That I know.  This is all just some weird transition of time and space.  As my old friend John wrote, “All I want is someone to pull me out, I’m stuck in a traffic jam and there’s nowhere to run for miles…..” That’s us.  Stuck right now.  In a way.  But not really.  Traffic still moves….it's still going somewhere.  We are what we believe. We are still moving as slowly as it as it all seems.

Last night I stood in fields of mud.  Each step I tried to take, my legs were pulled and everything was heavy, but I eventually pulled my feet forward.  I made it across.  Isn’t that this?  Mud?  Life. 

When is the last time that you believed that you were beautiful?  You are.  We are.  Be.  Release.  Stand in mud and laugh your ass off.  Know that every morning you wake up you have a chance to begin again.  That’s what I’m choosing.  What other alternative do we have?  Believe in things.  Believe in you.  Sacrifice.  Give.  Love. Forget what you need to and remember that which fills.

It’s a fucked up journey and tonight I have no answers except I love.  That’s all I know to do.  Love.  And I crave those those that fill me with it. It's all we want really - to be stuck and to have something, someone to pull us out. 

xo

Thanks for listening.