The Unsent Letter

I want to preface that I have not touched this blog in 5 years. I'm dusting it off and a lot of its immaturity but it's still me and bits of the story. All of the archived posts on here were really me processing losing someone that had been in my life for a very long time and sorting who I was without him. Therapy and a release. I read a lot of it tonight and I had many internal eye rolls. BUT, I'm going to keep them on here as reminders. I hope to bring a higher level of content moving forward. Before I do however, I found this nugget in my Google drive from eons ago. I think this was the last bit for me, the closure in a sense. And then, I stopped writing for a long time and began living (except for a few bits here and there on LinkedIn). To kick off the un-dusting of my blog, I thought it fitting to start at the end - which was really my beginning.

Years ago I had taken a day trip outside of London with my friend Marc. I’m not even sure of the name of where we went. We happened into this tiny vintage book store – everything was sort of old and dusty and it seemed like hours we just perused books and read old inscriptions from people who no longer existed. I gravitated towards a book titled, “Many things have happened since he died and here are the highlights.” It was a newer book and seemed misplaced amongst all of the leather bound dusty scented pages everywhere. Because it was the runt of the store, I had to have it. I tend to gravitate towards all things seemingly lost.

 
It’s a strange book – a bit chaotic and sporadic. Some pages only having one word. But it’s the story of a woman grieving, processing, random thoughts, memories. I still have the book. I thought of it tonight. I thought of the many things that have happened since you’ve been gone. It has felt like years. It goes something like this….

At first, I aligned myself with my status quo numbing of the soul with wine and cigarettes until one day I woke up and had lost the taste for numb and wine and even cigarettes. I woke up one day and just needed to run. And so I ran.

 
Then, I realized that my room, with a myriad amount of crap strewn everywhere for weeks wasn’t helping so I began to organize and clean and get my life aligned.

Most days, I wake up and if time permits, I stare into empty space for as long as possible. If I’m forced to engage with the world to pay my bills, I do what I have to do. Most days, I prefer to be alone and in silence. Which, for me, is the opposite of my usual coping mechanism of surrounding myself consistently with others. I’ve lost my will to speak and those around me don’t ask or speak of you and I’m not quite sure which is worse. My friends now just give me that look of sympathy, and empathy and we distract ourselves with discussions of all things unrelated to me.. It’s as if time has stood still and my silent resignation I assume says enough. Or, just the look on my face – perhaps that speaks volumes as well. Something behind my eyes is lost. It’s obvious even to strangers.

 
About a week ago I was at the gym. I guess it had been a hard day and I guess I was running…hard, in a way that perhaps was more than just running but trying to run away from myself. I was soaked, and spinning and nauseous but I just kept going because I didn’t know what to do if I stopped and then there was this hand on my arm. This woman kept her hand on my arm. She stared at me and I stared at her and we said nothing. It was this moment, and it was as if she was saying, “I know. Slow down, pace yourself, you, all of this, is not going anywhere no matter how hard or fast you try…give it time…” so I slowed down. And that was that moment. I find comfort in knowing there are other intuitive’s out there. I needed that help – in that moment. Then, I basically almost puked my guts out.

 
I cry a lot. Not in a sobbing way. In a more quiet, unbeknownst to me tears are streaming down my face in the most random of moments kind of way. At first, I wouldn’t allow it. I would swallow it back, swallow some wine and fight. Now, I’ve given up and given in and I just let it be what it is. There’s a grieving process and I need to let myself go through it. The other day I fell down the stairs (yes, I was dead sober). It sort of jolted me. And I cried half out of fear and half out of feeling alone and then I just sat there, on the floor – maybe for an hour, looking out my front door, realizing I had given up on ever seeing you walk through it again. And then I picked myself up, because that is all that you can do.

Last night, I sat outside for a while. The air has had that warmth of another season coming and after two trips to the gym and the realization that I couldn’t in fact do anything else but just be home and with myself I gave in and just thought. I thought about trying to reconcile my belief in us – having loved you before I ever actually knew you. I thought about trying to reconcile my belief in our house on the beach and our happily ever after. I thought about how to reconcile the belief that you hold a piece of my soul that I’m not quite sure how to replace…I don’t allow for wishes, or hopeful thought, it’s not healthy or relevant at this point and I can’t reconcile much, so I whispered thoughts into the air, took a brief step into your mind and then stepped quickly out and went to sleep.

I dream a lot. They are all very clear. Most times painful but it’s all that I have and mostly the only way that I can see your face so there’s a sort of anguished comfort in them.

 
I tried to go on a date. It didn’t work. I couldn’t do it. I’m not ready. I appreciate having the choice to be alone. And alone I will be until I wake up one morning and have found complete acceptance.

 
I don’t believe that I smile often these days, and if I do, passing by someone in the office, I sort of grimace and wince and think to myself how strained it all seems. It’s sort of a robotic state but as Winston Churchill said, “When you’re going through Hell, keep going…” so I keep going. A coworker said to me recently, “I haven’t seen your smile in a long time.” It’s annoying being the bubbly chic. The entire world watches impatiently waiting for you to come back. I’ll be back when I’m ready.

I’ve planned a few trips. I guess I look forward to them. Distractions really. It’s an odd state of existence, trying to live your life and go on and let go of something that you love and that for so many years you held on to. It’s like fighting a current and you can’t swim and it’s beating the shit out of you but you have to stay afloat and you know that eventually, you could just stop fighting it and let it take you wherever it’s supposed to. I’m not sure which phase of that I’m in. I’m fighting for something; I just don’t know what yet. I guess it’s still sort of murky waters.

When you send your obscure “Hey – I hope you’re well” texts – I understand that the meaning behind them is, “I miss you and I love you” – I appreciate that. I also appreciate what you can’t say and do and the reasons why you don’t. But, in the end, fortunately or unfortunately for me, nobody knows your mind better than I do – so I get it and as much as it’s sort of a mild sting – in truth, it’s good to know that I’m thought of. That I meant something. Because isn’t that why we’re all here really? To mean something? To be remembered.

I’m doing ok. I’m existing, floating, focusing on finding physical strength in the hopes that it will somehow transcend into emotional strength that I feel greatly lacking as of late. I miss you. Perhaps more than I had expected. After all, I lived many years without you. I guess this time my love for you was different. A more ‘real’ and simple, less chaotic type of love if that makes sense. It was easy back then to release myself from the drama. Now, it’s releasing me of you and well, in many ways, it has hurt more. I had thought this was the rest of my life. Now, I’m trying to work through the steps needed to create a different version of that.

In the end, I think it’s ok to realize that you’ll just love some people forever and maybe you aren’t supposed to be with them for whatever reason that is and maybe you don’t realize that until whatever reason that is walks into your life. Perhaps there are other reasons for both of us. I’m not sure. Haven’t got to that place yet. Time heals a lot. Time makes sense of a lot.

 
So, many things have happened since you’ve been gone. Those are some of the highlights. I don’t expect or need a response. I write this not to provoke any semblance of guilt – all of this is my choice and I am aware of that. I could have a part of you if I wanted, however I want all or nothing. I guess it’s the Taurus in me and I tend to believe that well, that’s what love is.

 
Wanting all of someone.

 
I’ve tried to write for myself so many times and I just haven’t been able to find any clarity beyond two paragraphs but somehow, tonight, writing to you, I could release some. So this is for me. So thanks for that, and thanks for listening. It was a much needed purge.

Hey – I hope you are well.