The Being of Just Being

I ventured West in search of some things. My noggin' hadn't been sitting right for most of the summer. For as much as I did indeed have one of the most fantastic summers of my life, something still wasn't sorted.

I sit here, at a desk, at a window, working, over looking the waters that surround San Francisco, next to the Bay Bridge. How have I traveled here in the past for business and not seen how gorgeous it is here? How did I miss this? It's like I kept skipping right over San Francisco and hitting Seattle instead (which is still to date one of my favorite cities). I assume there is much we skip over if we don't stop for a moment to actually look.

I knew after sitting on the beach for 17 days to close out my summer it was time for something more. I'd grown far too stagnant in my gorgeous sleepy town. For all of the many wonders that exist there as well - there is after all, an entire universe still left to explore.

There are no conclusions, no answers yet to the few that I came here seeking - but I guess more than anything, I needed to remember what it was like to 'be' somewhere else. To see, taste, explore something else. It had been so much of my life until I got wrapped up in doing a whole lot of nothing. I have missed this. And, if I am honest, I haven't spent much time yet asking myself or the universe answers. I'm relying on them naturally arriving.

Each morning, I wake up well before the sun rises. I watch all of the lights of the mountain and the city slowly turn on. I watch the sun creep up over the water. For now, and for the next few days until I fly back across the country and wander my way back home. This is enough.

The answers will come. They always do. You are always where you are supposed to be and for now, I'm supposed to be here. And when it's time. I'll be there. And all will be as it should.

The Left Coast

Wow...a year since I've written. I haven't really felt the need as my life has been coasting along swimmingly. Some rip tides (literally) however nothing that kept my mind spinning in any direction that needed an outlet of release.

Next week I'm heading out to the Left Coast to see how my feet feel on the ground there. To explore. To remove myself from my comfort zone and see if it's time for an adventure. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't but the tiny little flutter in my belly urging me to seek out new experiences hasn't ebbed so in the very least, it's worth a weeks time to find some answers.

Don't get me wrong, I love my sleepy town but me coming back here was never supposed to be permanent...I just got lost in salty air, the laughter of my friends - at times love - and forgot about all of the spaces and places in the world outside of here that I so used to love getting lost in as well. I have the itch to release myself from the security - at least for awhile. Maybe a week will be enough, maybe a week will be just the beginning. Time will tell.

That being said, I plan in my off hours to be exploring, photographing, writing, eating...and I want to get back to documenting things so I thought I'd give the ol' blog a dusting off and get things rolling again. See if I can't actually have some fun with writing as opposed to just writing for the sake of emotional purge. It would be nice for a change to write for the sake of the beauty that I see in the world.

First stop...San Fran. Stay tuned.

The most difficult part...

Is when I can't speak. When my emotions become so jolted that it renders me into silence. They harden in my chest and my belly and the noise becomes so overwhelming that it buzzes around me like a blanket. The deafening of noise where all goes quiet and still and my spirit retreats to protect.

For all that I have done and seen. For all that I have walked through, this is always the most difficult part. The breakdown to rebuild. It's the loneliest fucking place on earth.

And so it goes...

Sometimes....

I wish I had an off button. My lips, my voice, everything from moving. Sometimes, I can't speak what I think eloquently...although in my mind it flows as clearly as dangling fingertips in crystal placid water.

Tonight, is one of those nights, that I just can't say what I feel and right now it's really fucking important that I do. As always, I have to let it out so that I can let something in...mental constipation.

Grits teeth.

Gracias. Again.

Without gratitude, I don’t believe it’s possible to find true peace. I feel that its taken me 35 years to find true gratitude for my life – as chaotic and often fucked up as it all seems…I am so grateful to be here. To have this so called life of mine.

Today, I laid in the grass with my friends – laughed and talked, watched the babies that are now fast and furiously growing far away from actually being babies anymore…the sun was on our faces, not a cloud in the sky. It was peace. Later, I sat by myself staring at a garden with the earth between my toes and just whispered, “Thank you, thank you thank you thank you….” Gratitude for the existence of sun and breath has literally altered my sense of being this year.

My soul is so much more quiet and calm when I can praise the simple moments.

You see, I made an effort this year to fall in love with myself, my life. To find beauty in the darkest corners and the quietest of hours. I fell in love with my friends (and some new ones too) all over again. Practicing gratitude has empowered me in ways that silly words just can’t remotely articulate. It’s given me this quiet patience and faith. I highly recommend even in the deepest spirals of our own intricate insanities, you embrace the words, “Thank you.”

All of this has allowed the clutter to clear for me. When I drive along the ocean, my mind is no longer filled with caverns of cobwebs but these images of laughter – my life. I am no longer afraid. I am just – well, grateful. I see all of them around me, these people that I have chosen to be the beautiful flowers in the garden of my life…you get what you give. I would like to believe that I have given well to have these beautiful gifts around me. In the very least, I’m trying.

I am here for a reason, and I appreciate that now. Truly. If you can embrace and accept as opposed to fight – it’s enlightening. If you can just allow yourself to be without itching the constant scratches of distractions you can ebb and flow with it. You can just be without constantly doing – if that makes sense? I wasn’t really good at that for a long time. I always believed that being in control would allow me feel in control. That isn’t the case. It has only been since I have allowed myself to lose control and to just succumb to the moments instead of thinking of the next, that I have found the greatest strength. It rocks.

Anyway, - I could go on and on. I won’t. For tonight, I will just say thank you sun, thank you earth, thank you friends, and thank you family. Thank you thank you thank you a thousand times and back again. I get it now.

xo

Gratitude

I haven’t had time to put fingers to keys. Life is rambling on at rapid speed and days turn into months so quickly that I can barely grasp the memory of the moment before I am on to the next.
I’m into this amazing thing lately. It’s called gratitude. I feel like a cheesy fucking Hallmark card sometimes.

When the wind stirs around me, the sun shines on my face and my hair gets caught in my lip gloss I just think….Jesus Christ I am so lucky. To feel this – to see all of this. To be here. I don’t quite believe I have ever actually felt true gratitude the way that I do these days.

And trust me, there are still shit days…but they sort of roll like water off of oily skin and soon enough, I am back to the good. I know that I spent the entire year working to get to this place and I don’t regret a moment. Not even the icky bits. Solitude does have its perks.

I don’t think a lot of people feel much gratitude. I didn’t for a long time. I was always focused on the what wasn’t or isn’t or couldn’t be. Something happened this year. I think I tossed all that bullshit over my shoulder in a fountain wish. Not sure. It just kinda happened. I mean at the end of the day, how can you really take life for granted and not be grateful for it? Right? Obviously it’s always just as bad as it is good but even that’s good too. Right?

I sound so lame even I want to vomit. I’m not saying it’s a snap of a finger thing…but more of a ‘practice’. I know everyone in my world has a hell of a lot more than others in someone else’s world so therein should be enough. Fingers, toes, breath, family, friends, love…all that…- it might seem trivial but it’s a helluva lot more than most. I guess sometimes you just need to think about it a bit.

Maybe it just comes down to just knowing at the end of it you’ll be ok – because after the end of most, you always have been. So, as the book says, ‘Don’t sweat the small stuff’. Shit will always storm – but that’s what toilets are for.

Part me of misses my angst lost writing….but I just can’t bring it. I’m good. I’m happy. Regardless of what is or isn’t going to come. I’m good.

MUAH.

Remember....

The story today is this. The things that I need to remember. The moments of standing in Fenway Park with my sister thinking that at my age of 35 and hers of 37 that we are at our first concert together (except for a Jack Wagner incident that shall remain unmentioned). And standing in that moment I kept saying to myself… “Remember…remember this…remember this….” So I am writing it down.

Sitting in my courtyard with hours slipping by and figuring it out through endless banter. Remember this.

When my nephew looked at me said, “I like when you come here TT.” “Why?” I replied. “Because I love you.” I then dropped to my knees, cried and hugged the greatest hug I could muster. Remember this.

When my best friends rallied around me…just because I asked. When their mere presence eased (eases) my spirit, fills my hours with laughter and my soul with uncondition. Remember this.

Walking to dig out cars in the dead of winter with my father. He, smoking his pipe, I, my Parliament Lights. Talking. Actually talking for the first time in years – and not feeling itchy or pained. Being there – in that moment. With my father. Remember this.

Being there – just because you could be and should be. Remember this.

"We want you to be the godmother to our baby...." Remember this.

Hurting my mothers’ feelings. Owning it, and holding out my arms when I saw her telling her how much I loved her and how sorry I was. Remember this.

Letting go in love. Forgiving. Remember this.

Sylvia and the guinea pig -. Soul-mates. Remember this.

Walking the streets of London. iPod blaring ‘The City” by Joe Purdy and feeling for the first time in awhile…at peace again. Remember this.

Standing outside of a pub, Noely walking outside and just smiling at me saying, “We could be standing outside of any pub, anywhere and it’s just 15 years ago again isn’t it T?” Remember this.

Remember the laughter.

“Tarah Cammett, will you marry me?” Remember this.

Being ok enough to be alone. Remember this. Remember this.

Kisses that have sailed a thousand ships and broken a million hearts. Remember this.

The hard stuff. Love. Remember this.

The songs. Remember.

When he said, “I just need to see your face and know that you’re ok…” Please God, remember that. Because that – that is what this is all about. Giving what you get and getting what you give. Being the one that they call on their cigarette break – not the cause of it.

It’s kinda about love – in all and every form. Remember this.

Thanks for listening...