Check List

There is a song by Bon Iver. The last line says this, “Your love will be, safe with me.” At this moment in my life I am not sure if there are words that make more sense.

Isn’t that what we all really want? People to protect the love that we give them? I mean this on every relationship level. Friends, family, partners, etc. For me however, as of late, I think it means or speaks to more of what I am seeking from a ‘soul partner’ perspective.

I have had amazing relationships. Don’t get me wrong, I am blessed to have loved who I have loved – learned all that I have but the ‘recipe’ so to speak I guess hasn’t found its way to the perfect match. I’m still trying. I still believe because I need to. I have to believe in love and that in some ways, it does and will conquer all. I have to believe that regardless of my many failed attempts, “He” does exist and “He” will find me, or I will find him or we’ll find each other. Maybe we already have? I don’t know.

On many levels perhaps what I believe in, seek or hope for is unrealistic but it’s my story and I guess I want the fantasy. The guy who just happens upon my doorstep one day and is the one that just stays – not because he’s a stalker, or insane or because I’m too tired of being alone but because there is just no other place that makes much sense anymore without each other.

What I want is this:
Someone who believes in himself just as much as he believes in me. Who doesn’t need to be saved, or fixed. Who possibly thinks that when I walk into a room his soul feels a little bit more at peace. Someone who has fought his demons and won and a very long time ago released his baggage and opened his soul up to whatever it was that the world was going to offer him. A man who is that, a man that fights for me – especially when I don’t have the energy to fight for myself. Who kisses me every once in awhile like its the first time he's ever kissed me and whispers stories in my ear when I can’t sleep. A being that would never utter a harsh word to me or about me (most especially in front of others) and thinks its truly endearing that I cry about everything. Someone who is secure enough that when I come home from a day of work and log onto the computer for 4 more hours worth of work just kisses me on the forehead and pours me a glass of wine because he just knows that my career is part of how I define myself and something that I need.

Is it foolish to want these things? To believe that there is someone out there that thinks my OCD is absolutely charming and wants nothing more than to sit in the kitchen, watch me cook, kiss me on the back of the neck and tell me about his day because he understands it’s my art, my therapy, my release? To hope that there is someone out there that can make me laugh and hates himself when he makes me cry? Someone who understands that our home is our serenity and it’s our sanctuary from the world to build a foundation of intimacy and it shouldn't be filled with 'issues' or 'drama' or all of that other crap that people clutter their souls and their home with.

I can’t be insane for wanting someone who is the first person I want to call when everything goes wrong and more importantly, when everything goes right. The boy who surprises me with tiny little expressions and thinks that in the right light I could be the most beautiful gift he’s ever been given. The one whose intellect and wit astounds and amuses me. The boy who I would never doubt because his love is solid. Because he is solid. Because he understands that love is a gift and I give him everything back in return. Because we might not be perfect but it’s good . Real good and together we make each other better people. And he will keep my love safe with him because that's just the type of guy he is.

Unrealistic. I know. But a girl can hope. Right?