"I just need to release it. I need to tell myself that it’s ok to let it go now. Maybe if I let it go I can let go of the disappointment I create before anyone can even get close to me which I use as my excuse to retreat behind the security of impenetrable walls. Maybe if I let it go, forgive you, myself and release that hope I can find the peace that has escaped me for what now feels like a lifetime.

If I was to be honest, I can admit that by holding on to it…I was still holding on to you. If I had let it leave me it would’ve meant that you were leaving me and it was all that I had left so I carried it with me everywhere. I think you have done the same as well. I don’t think I can do that anymore. I don’t think you should do it anymore either.

You and I had all of these moments and chances. We failed miserably at making them into something great. I remember one time, sitting on my back steps at Columbus Ave and you called me. You talked to me about our foundation…the house analogy. That our foundation was broken but that we could fill in the cracks and build a stronger house. We never built that house.

This process of grieving is difficult. I progress and then regress. I find myself hating, loving, and missing in so many moments. I let stuff in. I let stuff out. Last night I broke through another barrier within myself. I was forced to recognize that although outwardly I’ve been existing in what most would see as a progressive life, internally, I’ve never left where I was 5 years ago. In some ways, perhaps. In most however, I’ve still been waiting for you to turn around in that hotel room and choose me. I’ve been staring at empty doorways waiting for you to return ever since."