“Hi,” I bellowed with overly perky cheer extending a shaking
hand, “Willow”. He steadied his gaze
with mine. Locked. He had a mild look of amusement in his
piercing painfully beautiful blue eyes. “You’re
American too! Brilliant! I’m Josiah.”
I feigned my best smile. My
stomach was pounding in nervous recognition having just grazed hands with my
past. I looked to his left and
acknowledge his friend with round spectacles, long blonde hair and a quiet and
calming demeanor. “Hi ya! I’m Noah.” I
liked him instantly. He was much less
intimidating and was content to let Josiah command the attention. I looked down and noticed I was still
clinging on to Josiah’s hand. His
amusement continued. I quickly released
it and motioned to the bartender for a pint and placed a cigarette to my lips,
without hesitation, he had a lighter to the tip continuing to keep steady with
my gaze. I was completely exhausted
already.
They played a few acoustic sets which gave me time to center
myself and try to understand what was happening. Since they were the focus of the pub I could
stare unabashedly. Josiah had a strong voice. Earthy.
He was dominant on the stage however not in skill, just in
presence. Noah had a much more angelic,
softer voice that was a steady compliment.
They fit together well in their reversely striped shirts. Quite simply put, they were symbolic. Darkness and light.
In between sets they would sit with Dave and me and ask us
hundreds of questions about America - a land in which they were completely
fascinated by. “No, the streets aren’t
paved with gold…” and “No, money doesn’t really grow on trees...” I would
respond. Most of their questions were humorous iterations of urban legends that
they didn’t actually believe but needed solid confirmation on just in
case. All the while during these breaks
and their performance, the gaze remained steady. I couldn’t figure out what he was looking at,
or for. If this was how he broke women
into submission - if it was supposed to render me completely helpless, it was
working.
They had grown up together in Derry – Northern Ireland. Josiah came to London to find his fame in
music, and Noah had come to London for University. They were incredibly intelligent. Both from large, loving families I found
myself immediately immersed in wanting to know everything about their history. They spoke openly about their affection and
adoration of their parents and siblings. I could see them get lost in being somewhere
else and missing comforts that we all missed but for whatever they missed, they
found comfort in one another and perhaps I would now find my comfort in them.
When they were done playing the pub was closing. My heart instantly ached at the thought of
leaving until they let me know that we could close up the curtains to the pub
and stay drinking with Jim – the pub manager who had taken a shining to
me. I made no effort to hide my
excitement. With everyone else gone,
including Dave who we had to carry out and into a cab, the energy shifted. Pleasantries gone, an air coveted the room of
familiar energy. Something of a time
before and souls who had long since known one another.
The conversation shifted to greater depth - to the things of
youth that you try to discover. To what
moved our souls, what we would be, what broke us, what inspired us, to family,
to history, to the now. We lit cigarette
after cigarette, drank pint after pint.
We raised our voices with passion and artistry. With every word between us, every gaze and
knowing nod everything of my before disappeared.
When Jim finally waved us out of the pub, we were all
stumbling and arm in arm we found our way to Josiah’s apartment in Vincent
Square and continued our discovery. We
sat on the floor of his one room apartment and talked until the sun came
up. Hours and hours of catching up, telling
stories and asking each other question after question. For however lost I had felt for so many years
of my life, in that moment, in that room, I had found home again. A home that I traveled across an ocean to
find. I had found a soul mate, perhaps
even two.
When the tubes opened again the boys walked me to Victoria
Station. I was in love. Josiah would wreck me, I knew that
already. Perhaps he had before as well
but I could do nothing more than love him again. Noah had captured my soul and we would be
family from here on in. I had silently
decided this. Together Josiah would wreck each of us and together we would save
one another from him. Our beautiful
wrecking ball.
“What a fucking brilliant night, eh?” Josiah exclaimed as he
wrapped his arms around each of us. “Epic”
I responded. “Epic,” Noah repeated. “Well then, let’s get some sleep and do it
again soon.” I turned to look at Josiah clinging to “soon”. Was he going to call? He had asked for my number. I tried to steady myself. Breathe
Willow….Breathe. Maybe this one of those nights and this is all that there is
and maybe that is ok. Breathe. Reading my mind, Josiah leaned over and
whispered, “I’ll ring you later.” Every
molecule in my body tingled. I hugged
both of them and ran quickly down the stairs hoping that they couldn’t see the
tears streaming down my cheek. “We’ll
see you after, eh…” I heard Noah yell down the stairs after me. I flung my arm up in a backward wave and
disappeared into the tunnel.
By the time I had reached 35 Sutherland I had dissected every
minute of the past 12 hours of my life.
Every line on his face, every sound from his lips. Every look and every song. I thought of the broken glass at my feet and
the words I had muttered. I felt drunk
and full and overwhelmed – more so, terrified that I would never again feel the
way that I had felt in that moment. I
thought about the two of them, how different they were but how connected they
seemed to be. I thought about the often
empathetic smile Noah would knowingly shoot my way, as if he knew something I
didn’t.
I tip toed in the house and peaked into Tegan’s room. He was asleep with books scattered all around
him. I wanted to wake him up and tell
him everything but there would be time later and I felt too stifled with
emotion to speak so I floated to my tiny room on the third floor. Peeling off my clothes I melted into an
unconscious sleep. A sleep I hadn’t
slept in years. Hours later in a day that had turned into
night I was wakened by Tegan nudging my shoulder.
“Hey, sleeping beauty…you have a phone call.”
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