Tornado

I was asked yesterday, “Who do you want to be through this process?  What do you need to get you through it and who do you want to be when it’s done?”  It sort of stopped me in my tracks.  I had thought for so long that I knew exactly who I was but in truth, all of that seems a bit lost and scattered these days.  This process of change, growth, and the re-birth I’ve been fighting for over the past year is so overwhelming that at times I stumble.  Not to disregard the beauty in it - but letting go of that which you can't control can at times invoke such fear of the unknown that we falter.

I question this: If what we do in life is ultimately so that we can teach it to ourselves because we need it for ourselves then why aren’t I learning?  Why can’t I feel it? If at the core of my being I find true solace in helping others why is it that I can’t be the same comfort to myself?   Heed my own words and guidance.  Most often, I do the exact opposite of what I would advise to all of you because I can only shine light outward.  Does that make sense? 

Every time I try to move lately, it feels as if my feet are about to buckle underneath me.  And all of the energy that I hold is barely my own and it’s taken over the rest.  I spin in this circle, like a fucking tornado sinking into the ocean and I am drowning – and I have no idea why.  I just need a rope…something to fall out of the sky to hold on to but there’s nothing there.  It’s the blessing and the curse of being an empath.  I feel everything that emanates off of everyone else and it sinks me. 

All of this came after finding myself spiritually in the best place I’ve ever been just a few short months ago.  And then smack – brute force gravity pulled me back to earth.  I have been told that I’m still moving on a forward trajectory but that like a roller coaster, you have to dip down to build momentum to climb back up.  But it doesn’t feel like that today and existing with all of these human emotions of anguish is a road I’m having difficulty navigating. 

Who I want to be in this process is a light to myself.  A compass.  An anchor.  And who I want to be when it’s done is lighter.  Free with no rearview mirrors.  I want to be sitting with the sunlight on my face knowing that I made it to the edge of the cliff and I didn’t fall off…I dove.  My choice.  Because that’s what we all need to understand isn’t it?  That all of this is our choice.  Who we choose to be.  What we choose to feel and what we choose to believe.  What we allow ourselves to hold onto or release. I’m creating my own tornado right now.  I know this.  Everything that was beautiful still exists, it’s just a matter of letting it back in.  But to do that, I have to release the idea of what it’s supposed to be because I can’t choose that.  Only the Universe can.  Because the Universe doesn't give you what you want, it gives you what you need - as difficult as that is at times to embrace.

You know when you wake up at night, and walk in darkness and you kind of know where you’re going but you hold onto the wall to guide you and you're half asleep and more than tired – and then you trip over something on the floor and stub your toe?  That’s what this is.  I’ve stubbed my toe but I still know where I’m going.  And it hurts but by the time I get across the darkness that will have passed.  That’s what I’m telling myself anyway. 

Thanks for listening.  xo