I Love You Still

Super honored to have a piece of my writing published via Elephant Journal xo

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/10/i-love-you-still/

A year ago....London calls, and home beckons...

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"And in the end, we were all just humans drunk, drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." - F. Scott Fitzgerald

The dishwasher hums.  The washing machine churns.  It’s a Saturday night and I listen to him lull her to sleep.  A year ago this weekend I was in London.  I was leaving Noely, Tree and Simon at a train station as I took the journey to Hackney to end the last night, in the wee hours of the morn, in Johanna’s kitchen with her and Amanda.  Things have changed.  A lot.

A year ago at this time I was on an incredible spiritual journey.  I was deeply in therapy; I was working with a Shaman.  I had made a difficult conscious choice to change my life.  At whatever cost that came.  I had decided that I would be alone, for the rest of my life if that is what it all would mean, to find the only true love that I could ever really hold on to.  Myself.  A year ago today, I decided that although I was broken, I was not unfixable.  A year ago today, I decided to rewrite my story.

And so, surprisingly even to me, I did just that.  I took all of my broken bits, beautiful moments, tragedy and confusion and pieced myself together again, one stitch at a time.  Had I met him any sooner, I would’ve blindly walked passed him.  I wasn’t ready.  Not for him. Most certainly not for her.  I was only beginning to grasp the concept of letting go of all that which I could not control.  I was only beginning to grasp that this, all of this, was about so much more if I could only allow myself to see it.

To seek peace – at whatever cost seems like a strange concept really.  Shouldn’t it just be a natural state?  For many perhaps.  Not for me.  It had never been my way.  I always thought too much, felt too much, saw too much.  The majority of my life had been spent trying to save other people all of the while feeling completely selfish in doing what I wanted.  To clarify, some may have felt shorted by me, however I could never find a way to express that it was just that others needed me more.  Until I guess the moment arose that I realized perhaps I needed me more.

I dreamt of London last night and it wasn’t until I sat down to write tonight that I realized the timing.  A year ago today I was in the flurry of a soulful hurricane.  Myself, everyone around me igniting.  Everything I touched kept leading others and myself on a path.  In no grammatical eloquence I can only say it this way – it was the trippiest time of my fucking life.  The Universe was this orb following me.  Pushing me.  Putting me on airplanes, and in circumstances that tested everything about myself that I was supposed to learn and show others.  It was a release and absorption all at once.  The noise of it all was deafening.  

It would be a lie to say that I haven’t been distracted a bit over the past many months.  Of all of that.  The intensity.  The spirituality.  I have him now.  And her now, and my focus has shifted.  But it’s brought about challenge.  Another journey.  Another path. 

Tonight however I am consumed with that time.  The urge to remember that it is about so much more. I hold things within myself again, like I used to.  My back aches for no reason because I don’t know how to release.  I don’t know how to express love and confusion.  I don’t know how to show gratitude with all that I have but to acknowledge and embrace how far I have come.  I don’t know.  How do you hold on to who you have become and release the only thing you have ever known about yourself?  If that even makes sense.

Each night, when I go to sleep, and each morning when I wake, I feel peace.  For both I do with a boy who has decided to hop on my crazy train and embrace the fact that I talk to the Universe, drink too much wine, have more plans than we could ever have time for, buy way too much shit for his daughter than necessary, have long philosophical talks with most of my ex’s and dance randomly in my kitchen.  For that, I would trade nothing. 

However tonight, I wish he knew me a year ago.  Although he was to meet me only a couple short months later, I wish he knew me, as lights burnt out as I walked passed them, as I sought comfort in the stories of strangers, as all of this was unfolding, the finding of me so that I could finally know him. And maybe tonight, I miss me a bit, because she hides sometimes in the shadows of the now…but she is there, fire in her belly, passport in hand….ready…and perhaps the her of then is my clarity of now.  I don’t know.  I’m still learning.

A year ago tomorrow Amanda and I rode in a cab to Heathrow.  She said to me, “You’re a really beautiful person you know, I wish you believed it….” I cried and said, “I wish I did too.” Perhaps now, I believe it a bit more.  All of these things that I’ve done.  All of these things that I have seen.  They are a story within a story.  Perhaps even tonight is too and a decade from now it will be told in a different way, in a different version, with different people around.  But tonight, embodied by a year ago, I am wrapped in the blanked of my now and it is worthy of acknowledgment.

Thanks for listening.  

Beautification

Alright ladies, I’m excited to write this blog. It struck me this morning when I looked in the mirror that my skin was looking pretty darn good despite the abuse my internal organs take on a daily basis so I thought I would share some of what my regime as of late has been.

To preface what I am about to write I have to clarify something. I am a product whore. I have pretty much tried every product under the sun so in that regard, I might be somewhat of an expert. My bathroom is for the most part a mini spa with a myriad amount of products to cleanse, scrub, buff, exfoliate and what have you. I like being a girl and products are the fun bit.

Also, I don’t wear make up except for the standard lip gloss staple and a brush or two here of blush so it’s important that my skin looks good. I am blessed, I have good skin via genetics and I pride myself on a good day in my ripe old age of almost 35 of still being able to pass for being in my 20’s.

So, we’re in a recession, I’m in between gigs right now and I have to minimize the product splurge. And in reality, the thousands I have spent on high end products have never made an ounce of difference for my skin. However, I’ve done a few things as of late that have and I've found a few 'economical products' to mix in with the higher end stuff that are showing great value.

First when I started my recent regime overhaul, I spent $100.00 and had IPL done. I am a sun slut. I have been since the day I was born. The blessing and curse of growing up by the ocean. Sun spots had crept up and they were making me insane. It was all that I saw when I looked in the mirror. The IPL procedure took about 10 minutes and within a week – they were all gone and I feel as if I just took years off my face. Ladies, its worth it.

Secondly, I have heeded the advice of my friend Gina - who might just possibly be the most gorgeous woman to actually physically be in my presence (she rocks on the mental and intellectual realms as well) so when Gina gives you advice on your skin - you listen. Gina told me to stop pissing money away getting facials. They do nothing for you except for the relaxation bit. Go to a dermatologist and get legtimate procedures done such as dermaplaning. It costs less than a facial and has far greater benefits. I couldn't agree more. So, next time you want your skin to have a boost, find a dermatologist to do procedures that will actually have impact and longevity (and yes, extractions are part of this procedure as well so you get the gunk out too!).

Now, onto products. As I said, I've tried everything under the sun. I could give you a long list of things not to waste your money on...but for today, I'll just tell you what I'm using that is really making me feel zippy about my skin.

I have a bunch of cleansers but I am currently addicted to two. In the morning I use DDF Glycolic Exfoliating Wash - girls, if you're in your 30's+ you gots to be using some glycolic somewhere. The DDF is a bit on the pricier side but it's lasted me months...I exfoliate just about every day. My new favorite is St. Ives Microderm-Abrasion Scrub. It's a whole lot of awesomeness. At night, I use Purpose, Gentle Cleansing Wash. This is my most favorite new cleanser. It's the #1 Dermatologist recommended cleanser and I now know why. It really really makes your skin feel clean but not tight or dry. And, the best part, super cheap -!

For my skin care regime, I always do a few layers. I am a BIG believer in serums + moisturizer. Because of my 'sun spot' issues I had begun using Murad Age Spot and Pigment Lightening Gel (again, pricey and now that I've had IPL not sure how much longer I'll use it once its done - but a lot of rave reviews). I dabble with numerous serums but I've been using L'Oreal Skin Genesis recently and I'm loving it. Plus, maybe I'll look like Penelope Cruz! When it comes to moisturizers, that truly an individual preference based on your skin type. Right now I use Philosophy's When Hope is Not Enough with SPF but that might change when it runs out. However, let it be known, I'm a big fan of Philosophy and always will be.

At night, after cleansing with the Purpose, I have been using L'Oreal Advanced RevitaLift Night. And that's it. That's my daily regime. Oh, and I am a strong believer now in Fish Oil pills, 1 - 2 warm glasses of lemon water a day and always, I mean always moisturize (face and body) while your skin is still wet. It helps maintain the moisture.

I wanted to share this stuff because I love when people tell me about what they are using and fab new finds. I'd rather read about cool new tips from friends than via a magazine any day. So, my hope is, you gals will read this, comment and share any beauty tips and tricks of your own. At the end of the day, my grandmother has always used just soap, water and Oil of Olay - and even at almost 90 she still has gorgeous skin...so, it's all mostly a whole lot of rubbish but it's fun rubbish.

Cheerios ladies.
T.