Rambles

It comes in waves. This process. Good days, bad days, mediocre days. Just days. I feel very ‘hazy’ lately. Not in my actions, but internally. My friend Holli tells me that I’m ‘blocking’. I know she’s right. Something isn’t getting through that’s supposed to. I’m not sure why but I have a complete inability to ‘open myself up’ to the universe.

I am blocked.

How do I know what to do about that? I’m not sure. I’ve tried all of the standard approaches. Maybe what I haven’t really tried is just being. Just accepting. It’s clear that my path right now is getting right with this so called solitude but I am resisting it at every turn. Why?

There’s this rage lately. Like, I could smash everything to bits. I am not a person who feels rage. But its there. Like a burning fucking inferno its there. I feel completely filled with this unpronounceable rage.

There are seven stages of grief. The anger bit is only stage 3. I’m screwed. 4 more? Seriously? This process feels like a million miles and there isn’t an end of the road in sight. I am trying to get it – but I just don’t.

And for inquiring minds, yes, I’m smoking again. I suck. It’s disgusting. I feel like shit, they taste like shit but it is what it is right now. It’s stormy here these days. What can I say?