Can't

Seem to write these days. Thoughts float. They come in. They go out. Nothing ties together to make any sense. I go in. I go out.

It was 5 degrees driving home tonight. That's all I got.

Sometimes, I presume it's ok to be a blank canvas. Perhaps my spirit sits in waiting for the next bit of amazing to arrive.

Thanks for listening.

Pre-sunrise rambles....

Can't sleep. Dry heat. Coarse air. Dreams requiring more analysis than one mind can offer. So I stare into the light of a computer screen.

In my dream (one part of the series of many bits), I am standing at the edge of water. I just keep repeating, "It's too deep to cross right now, the tide is too high. I can go around it, or wait. I think I should wait." If I was to get all analytical on myself, I think it's about slowing down...taking more time. Pacing this process. I've had such a surge of adrenaline like excitement to dive back into my life, I negated that I still have much work to do on the self. This weekend went by with a fuzzy blur of running this way and that - which was deliriously wonderful in it's own right, however I'm easily distracted. I promised myself not to distract myself from myself this time. Do it right once and for all.

I have today. I want today to be for me. A long walk on the beach, a lazy breakfast, some OCD-ing of my house, making soup, reading a book, drinking tea...the things that bring me peace and slow me down.

Baby steps Tarah, baby steps. It's wonderful to feel a sense of energy and freedom, but that doesn't negate the strong need to be gentle with myself. I don't want to jump too far ahead - so much so that I miss a step and falter.

Make sense?

Thanks for listening. I'm going to go back to sleep now. Shhhhh.....

Random thoughts while getting my car fixed...

I haven’t written in awhile. Surprising because of the myriad amount of thoughts that stampede around my head on a daily basis. Wait, I retract, I did write this whole 2008 wrap up piece but it was all slimed up with cheeze so I opted not to share.

I’m sitting at the car dealership while they fix my putt putt up – they have no wireless so I figured why not do some purging? Maybe it will help me to focus on something else besides hacking up a lung all over the place. I’m sick. Again. What else is new? If my state of being could be measured by my health these days – or more so over the past year, well, that would say enough.

I’m in this ‘transitionary’ place – where I have been for a while I guess. There is a kind of solace about it all. I’m not overwhelmingly giddy about anything but I’m also not overwhelmingly depressed about anything either. I just am. I know that I am secluding myself from all things that I see as a negative impact on my spirit. For now, that’s enough. I believe I have been ‘privatizing’ my thoughts a lot more. I don’t feel the need to share where my life, or me, is at with most. Because it just is what it is and it is mine.

In some ways, I guess I’ve just sort of given up on a lot of things and people. Not in a woe is me sad sort of sense but in a realistic ‘weeding my garden’ way. Life is short. If I’m not getting what I’m giving, well, then I’m not going to give anymore. Easy peas.

My sister and I were driving last night and we talked about my life long search for ‘the one’ – I’ve given up on that too. On many levels I’ve had many ‘ones’ and at the end of the day I don’t believe that the perfect ‘one’ exists. You work with what you have. If you have a few key elements such as passion, forgiveness, loyalty and humor – well, the rest you can figure out along the way. Or so I tell myself. It’s sort of like giving up the belief in Santa Claus. Soul-mate Santa. Ha. It’s fun when your young but doesn’t work so well when you’re an aging soul like myself - and I guess I’ve stayed young for a bit too long.

I just think too much. I think I’m done thinking. I just want to live. Be simple. Be good and surround myself with those that want and believe in the same. For now, that’s enough. I think.