Remember....

The story today is this. The things that I need to remember. The moments of standing in Fenway Park with my sister thinking that at my age of 35 and hers of 37 that we are at our first concert together (except for a Jack Wagner incident that shall remain unmentioned). And standing in that moment I kept saying to myself… “Remember…remember this…remember this….” So I am writing it down.

Sitting in my courtyard with hours slipping by and figuring it out through endless banter. Remember this.

When my nephew looked at me said, “I like when you come here TT.” “Why?” I replied. “Because I love you.” I then dropped to my knees, cried and hugged the greatest hug I could muster. Remember this.

When my best friends rallied around me…just because I asked. When their mere presence eased (eases) my spirit, fills my hours with laughter and my soul with uncondition. Remember this.

Walking to dig out cars in the dead of winter with my father. He, smoking his pipe, I, my Parliament Lights. Talking. Actually talking for the first time in years – and not feeling itchy or pained. Being there – in that moment. With my father. Remember this.

Being there – just because you could be and should be. Remember this.

"We want you to be the godmother to our baby...." Remember this.

Hurting my mothers’ feelings. Owning it, and holding out my arms when I saw her telling her how much I loved her and how sorry I was. Remember this.

Letting go in love. Forgiving. Remember this.

Sylvia and the guinea pig -. Soul-mates. Remember this.

Walking the streets of London. iPod blaring ‘The City” by Joe Purdy and feeling for the first time in awhile…at peace again. Remember this.

Standing outside of a pub, Noely walking outside and just smiling at me saying, “We could be standing outside of any pub, anywhere and it’s just 15 years ago again isn’t it T?” Remember this.

Remember the laughter.

“Tarah Cammett, will you marry me?” Remember this.

Being ok enough to be alone. Remember this. Remember this.

Kisses that have sailed a thousand ships and broken a million hearts. Remember this.

The hard stuff. Love. Remember this.

The songs. Remember.

When he said, “I just need to see your face and know that you’re ok…” Please God, remember that. Because that – that is what this is all about. Giving what you get and getting what you give. Being the one that they call on their cigarette break – not the cause of it.

It’s kinda about love – in all and every form. Remember this.

Thanks for listening...

Curtains

I dozed a little bit. I keep having these sequencial thoughts….more like little dreams. When I wake up they are this hazy fog but I know that they were there….

It’s this sort of balance of reality and REM. If that’s not a metaphor, then I don’t really know what is.

I’ve been trying to wrap my arms around the term closure lately. What it means…what it requires? Is it ever really possible? To close the ure? I presume we learn to let things go…release them from ourselves the best we can but moments are moments…they are branded inside of you. You can’t close what is inside of you. Right? You just maybe have to close the door to that room.

I used to use the phrase ‘Let go in Love’ a lot. To remind myself to release things lovingly. Most times, it’s a crock of shit. Most things I release I release because they hurt and I can’t keep them with me anymore…so there’s not much love there unless I just refer to reflect inward and presume I mean love of the self. Either way you put it…letting go usually sucks.

My mind exhausts me.

Sometimes we just have no choice – someone or something slams down the window…and its shut and you can’t get in and the only way out is through a new one. Sometimes it just feels like an eternity until that new window opens and you just stand still for a bit.

Sometimes I just need to dance.

The summary

How I see it.

Girl sees boy.
Girl likes boy.
Boy sees girl.
Boy likes girl.
Boy and girl fall in love across miles, wars and countries.
Boy and girl make house.
Boy and girl fight.
Girl promised to never try to fix boy.
Girl lied.
Girl becomes angry that she can’t fix boy.
Girl takes it out on boy.
Boy is tired.
Girl asks boy to leave.
Boy leaves.
Boy comes back.
Girl still loves boy.
Boy doesn’t speak much.
Girl doesn’t ever really know what boy feels.
Girl still loves boy.
Boy leaves again.
This time – of his own accord.
Girl never hears boys voice again.
Boy has no words left for girl.
Girl is sad.
Girl misses boy.
Boy doesn’t miss girl.
Girl moves on.
Girl tries.
Girl misses boy’s voice.
Girl moves on.
Girl misses laughing.
Boy is happier without girl.

Girl is happy boy is happy.
Girl thinks.

Girl moves on.
Girl thinks.

Birds Chirping...

Pretty soon my alarm is going to go off…I’ve been laying awake for hours now. Couldn’t fall asleep or stay asleep last night…my eyes are heavy.

Mondays. They suck.

I had this incredibly beautiful weekend, laced with a little sadness but all in all, for a birthday weekend, (or more so a birthday weekend for me which is usually filled with a lot of emotional mishaps and disappointment) I fared pretty well. This is what happens when you are surrounded by incredible souls who just want to see their friend smile. I have many amazing gifts. They are called my friends.

And, perhaps maybe I’m just getting old enough and wise enough to realize that there isn’t much I can control anymore. Things are where they are. No, I don’t have a white picket fence and a baby in a bassinet but I’ve got a lot and for now, it’s time to just get good with that. Ride the wave. Just ride the wave….

Ultimately, it’s time to just keep weeding the shit out of my garden until it looks as it should. And preferably, it will look very pretty in the end.

It’s all about the rally.

The reality.

“The night wants to kiss you”….so sings Patty Griffin..

And so it is, that the time has come for me to write again. I’ve been wanting and meaning to for a while. Just couldn’t find the moment.

I doubted myself yesterday. I never doubt myself. It was a really wonky fucked up place for me to be. I think I’m over it now. I’m blessed to have a great mentor in my life that keeps me in check. I’m also blessed to have a mind that is stronger than a doubtful spirit and so I’m pretty sure that all is good now.

You see, I am what I am. I am as good as I can be. Beyond that, I can’t do much more. Just breathe, figure it out with each step and do right by myself when and where I can and if the cosmos align, do right by everyone around me as well.

I’m not naïve enough to not be aware of how very blessed that I am. I don’t know many that have the gifts that I have been given. Maybe even the gifts that I have worked my ass off for – regardless, they are beautiful gifts and even if I might not say it, or express it properly, these gifts, these souls in my world are the spirits that guide me. My sanity check(s).

I turn 35 this week. Most of me can’t quite grasp it - as if part of me feels as if I am just starting to live – just starting to figure myself out…to own myself – if that makes any sense. I feel for the first time in awhile that I can be anything. I often times find myself overwhelmed with the insane gorgeousness of my life that I drive and cry and I feel and I tuck it all into this place in my pocket – a story to remember to tell someone some day. But I know it – you know? I know it. And I wasted a lot of years not understanding that – or this…

Life is short right? These days, each day, I find myself trying to find my way but also just really fucking grateful. So grateful. If you know me, personally, and know my life you would understand. I have every and all right to praise it. I have these kick ass amazing souls in my life…every walk, mindset, style, image, belief…they exist in my world and I thrive on them and they complete all of the facets of my mind. These beautiful gifts called my friends. My friends, the family that I have chosen, and my sister, my blood who just gets me and accepts me. It’s priceless. And maybe I’m reminding myself of this by writing because for a few hours last night, I lost that reminder….and we all need it. A reminder of what we are made of.

Remember why you are here, those you touch and those that touch you. Stop wallowing in what isn’t…because that isn’t, isn’t here and if it isn’t here then it isn’t worth much. I guess, in the end, as you weed your garden, that’s what it comes down to. If it’s not there anymore, it doesn’t mean much. No looking back, just around and ahead. Right?

Go forth and prosper. And if possible, find a smidgeon of gratitude for the moments – because they pass. And they build the story of you..so embrace the story.

Rambles of the bambles...

I haven’t written in awhile. I think I might start most blogs out with that these days. Redundancy. It works for me.

It’s a Friday night…I was out and then realized that nothing would feel better than sitting on the floor of my kitchen writing it all out.

Hi.

It smells like something awkward in here. Something that is old and needs to go away. Most likely the trash but that would be too easy. I prefer to think its something more abstract like the memory of something.

I woke up to a text this morning. “I’m still in love with you.” Humph. Love. A complex word. I believe that we love moments and people that fill those moments and when faced with the reality of realizing that someone is really just human your love wanes. It’s a flu. A viral 24-hour thing. We love the ones we are not with. We place the treacherous moments with them on a pedestal. Only to be knocked off when we see their face and recognize that the fantasy is in fact, a bold reality.

Because, the thing is…if you are really, honestly, and truly in love with someone, and if it’s supposed to be, then it just is. If it isn’t – it isn’t supposed to be and words on paper or computer screens mean little more than shit without actions behind them.

Yah, I’m holding out for the white horse riding guy who makes me feel, in the very least that I’m worthy of a semblance of effort. Call me crazy but I want that sort of feeling that I am ‘it’. Bullocks. I get that. But I can’t help it. And yet, I am so good with where I am at. Set the bar low and it’s hard to disappoint or get emotional about much. In fact, you expect most people will be exactly how you expect them to be. It’s rare that they let you down. So you do your best to be your own lover and champion.

I am not perfect. I am scarred and scaled and am a complete work in progress, but as Forest Gump said, “I know what love is.” I guess I just need the boy who is the peas to my carrots and fearlessly decides that it’s just worth it.

Blah.

His voice astounds me...

Enjoy....