I wish I had an off button. My lips, my voice, everything from moving. Sometimes, I can't speak what I think eloquently...although in my mind it flows as clearly as dangling fingertips in crystal placid water.
Tonight, is one of those nights, that I just can't say what I feel and right now it's really fucking important that I do. As always, I have to let it out so that I can let something in...mental constipation.
Grits teeth.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Gracias. Again.
Without gratitude, I don’t believe it’s possible to find true peace. I feel that its taken me 35 years to find true gratitude for my life – as chaotic and often fucked up as it all seems…I am so grateful to be here. To have this so called life of mine.
Today, I laid in the grass with my friends – laughed and talked, watched the babies that are now fast and furiously growing far away from actually being babies anymore…the sun was on our faces, not a cloud in the sky. It was peace. Later, I sat by myself staring at a garden with the earth between my toes and just whispered, “Thank you, thank you thank you thank you….” Gratitude for the existence of sun and breath has literally altered my sense of being this year.
My soul is so much more quiet and calm when I can praise the simple moments.
You see, I made an effort this year to fall in love with myself, my life. To find beauty in the darkest corners and the quietest of hours. I fell in love with my friends (and some new ones too) all over again. Practicing gratitude has empowered me in ways that silly words just can’t remotely articulate. It’s given me this quiet patience and faith. I highly recommend even in the deepest spirals of our own intricate insanities, you embrace the words, “Thank you.”
All of this has allowed the clutter to clear for me. When I drive along the ocean, my mind is no longer filled with caverns of cobwebs but these images of laughter – my life. I am no longer afraid. I am just – well, grateful. I see all of them around me, these people that I have chosen to be the beautiful flowers in the garden of my life…you get what you give. I would like to believe that I have given well to have these beautiful gifts around me. In the very least, I’m trying.
I am here for a reason, and I appreciate that now. Truly. If you can embrace and accept as opposed to fight – it’s enlightening. If you can just allow yourself to be without itching the constant scratches of distractions you can ebb and flow with it. You can just be without constantly doing – if that makes sense? I wasn’t really good at that for a long time. I always believed that being in control would allow me feel in control. That isn’t the case. It has only been since I have allowed myself to lose control and to just succumb to the moments instead of thinking of the next, that I have found the greatest strength. It rocks.
Anyway, - I could go on and on. I won’t. For tonight, I will just say thank you sun, thank you earth, thank you friends, and thank you family. Thank you thank you thank you a thousand times and back again. I get it now.
xo
Today, I laid in the grass with my friends – laughed and talked, watched the babies that are now fast and furiously growing far away from actually being babies anymore…the sun was on our faces, not a cloud in the sky. It was peace. Later, I sat by myself staring at a garden with the earth between my toes and just whispered, “Thank you, thank you thank you thank you….” Gratitude for the existence of sun and breath has literally altered my sense of being this year.
My soul is so much more quiet and calm when I can praise the simple moments.
You see, I made an effort this year to fall in love with myself, my life. To find beauty in the darkest corners and the quietest of hours. I fell in love with my friends (and some new ones too) all over again. Practicing gratitude has empowered me in ways that silly words just can’t remotely articulate. It’s given me this quiet patience and faith. I highly recommend even in the deepest spirals of our own intricate insanities, you embrace the words, “Thank you.”
All of this has allowed the clutter to clear for me. When I drive along the ocean, my mind is no longer filled with caverns of cobwebs but these images of laughter – my life. I am no longer afraid. I am just – well, grateful. I see all of them around me, these people that I have chosen to be the beautiful flowers in the garden of my life…you get what you give. I would like to believe that I have given well to have these beautiful gifts around me. In the very least, I’m trying.
I am here for a reason, and I appreciate that now. Truly. If you can embrace and accept as opposed to fight – it’s enlightening. If you can just allow yourself to be without itching the constant scratches of distractions you can ebb and flow with it. You can just be without constantly doing – if that makes sense? I wasn’t really good at that for a long time. I always believed that being in control would allow me feel in control. That isn’t the case. It has only been since I have allowed myself to lose control and to just succumb to the moments instead of thinking of the next, that I have found the greatest strength. It rocks.
Anyway, - I could go on and on. I won’t. For tonight, I will just say thank you sun, thank you earth, thank you friends, and thank you family. Thank you thank you thank you a thousand times and back again. I get it now.
xo
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Gratitude
I haven’t had time to put fingers to keys. Life is rambling on at rapid speed and days turn into months so quickly that I can barely grasp the memory of the moment before I am on to the next.
I’m into this amazing thing lately. It’s called gratitude. I feel like a cheesy fucking Hallmark card sometimes.
When the wind stirs around me, the sun shines on my face and my hair gets caught in my lip gloss I just think….Jesus Christ I am so lucky. To feel this – to see all of this. To be here. I don’t quite believe I have ever actually felt true gratitude the way that I do these days.
And trust me, there are still shit days…but they sort of roll like water off of oily skin and soon enough, I am back to the good. I know that I spent the entire year working to get to this place and I don’t regret a moment. Not even the icky bits. Solitude does have its perks.
I don’t think a lot of people feel much gratitude. I didn’t for a long time. I was always focused on the what wasn’t or isn’t or couldn’t be. Something happened this year. I think I tossed all that bullshit over my shoulder in a fountain wish. Not sure. It just kinda happened. I mean at the end of the day, how can you really take life for granted and not be grateful for it? Right? Obviously it’s always just as bad as it is good but even that’s good too. Right?
I sound so lame even I want to vomit. I’m not saying it’s a snap of a finger thing…but more of a ‘practice’. I know everyone in my world has a hell of a lot more than others in someone else’s world so therein should be enough. Fingers, toes, breath, family, friends, love…all that…- it might seem trivial but it’s a helluva lot more than most. I guess sometimes you just need to think about it a bit.
Maybe it just comes down to just knowing at the end of it you’ll be ok – because after the end of most, you always have been. So, as the book says, ‘Don’t sweat the small stuff’. Shit will always storm – but that’s what toilets are for.
Part me of misses my angst lost writing….but I just can’t bring it. I’m good. I’m happy. Regardless of what is or isn’t going to come. I’m good.
MUAH.
I’m into this amazing thing lately. It’s called gratitude. I feel like a cheesy fucking Hallmark card sometimes.
When the wind stirs around me, the sun shines on my face and my hair gets caught in my lip gloss I just think….Jesus Christ I am so lucky. To feel this – to see all of this. To be here. I don’t quite believe I have ever actually felt true gratitude the way that I do these days.
And trust me, there are still shit days…but they sort of roll like water off of oily skin and soon enough, I am back to the good. I know that I spent the entire year working to get to this place and I don’t regret a moment. Not even the icky bits. Solitude does have its perks.
I don’t think a lot of people feel much gratitude. I didn’t for a long time. I was always focused on the what wasn’t or isn’t or couldn’t be. Something happened this year. I think I tossed all that bullshit over my shoulder in a fountain wish. Not sure. It just kinda happened. I mean at the end of the day, how can you really take life for granted and not be grateful for it? Right? Obviously it’s always just as bad as it is good but even that’s good too. Right?
I sound so lame even I want to vomit. I’m not saying it’s a snap of a finger thing…but more of a ‘practice’. I know everyone in my world has a hell of a lot more than others in someone else’s world so therein should be enough. Fingers, toes, breath, family, friends, love…all that…- it might seem trivial but it’s a helluva lot more than most. I guess sometimes you just need to think about it a bit.
Maybe it just comes down to just knowing at the end of it you’ll be ok – because after the end of most, you always have been. So, as the book says, ‘Don’t sweat the small stuff’. Shit will always storm – but that’s what toilets are for.
Part me of misses my angst lost writing….but I just can’t bring it. I’m good. I’m happy. Regardless of what is or isn’t going to come. I’m good.
MUAH.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Remember....
The story today is this. The things that I need to remember. The moments of standing in Fenway Park with my sister thinking that at my age of 35 and hers of 37 that we are at our first concert together (except for a Jack Wagner incident that shall remain unmentioned). And standing in that moment I kept saying to myself… “Remember…remember this…remember this….” So I am writing it down.
Sitting in my courtyard with hours slipping by and figuring it out through endless banter. Remember this.
When my nephew looked at me said, “I like when you come here TT.” “Why?” I replied. “Because I love you.” I then dropped to my knees, cried and hugged the greatest hug I could muster. Remember this.
When my best friends rallied around me…just because I asked. When their mere presence eased (eases) my spirit, fills my hours with laughter and my soul with uncondition. Remember this.
Walking to dig out cars in the dead of winter with my father. He, smoking his pipe, I, my Parliament Lights. Talking. Actually talking for the first time in years – and not feeling itchy or pained. Being there – in that moment. With my father. Remember this.
Being there – just because you could be and should be. Remember this.
"We want you to be the godmother to our baby...." Remember this.
Hurting my mothers’ feelings. Owning it, and holding out my arms when I saw her telling her how much I loved her and how sorry I was. Remember this.
Letting go in love. Forgiving. Remember this.
Sylvia and the guinea pig -. Soul-mates. Remember this.
Walking the streets of London. iPod blaring ‘The City” by Joe Purdy and feeling for the first time in awhile…at peace again. Remember this.
Standing outside of a pub, Noely walking outside and just smiling at me saying, “We could be standing outside of any pub, anywhere and it’s just 15 years ago again isn’t it T?” Remember this.
Remember the laughter.
“Tarah Cammett, will you marry me?” Remember this.
Being ok enough to be alone. Remember this. Remember this.
Kisses that have sailed a thousand ships and broken a million hearts. Remember this.
The hard stuff. Love. Remember this.
The songs. Remember.
When he said, “I just need to see your face and know that you’re ok…” Please God, remember that. Because that – that is what this is all about. Giving what you get and getting what you give. Being the one that they call on their cigarette break – not the cause of it.
It’s kinda about love – in all and every form. Remember this.
Thanks for listening...
Sitting in my courtyard with hours slipping by and figuring it out through endless banter. Remember this.
When my nephew looked at me said, “I like when you come here TT.” “Why?” I replied. “Because I love you.” I then dropped to my knees, cried and hugged the greatest hug I could muster. Remember this.
When my best friends rallied around me…just because I asked. When their mere presence eased (eases) my spirit, fills my hours with laughter and my soul with uncondition. Remember this.
Walking to dig out cars in the dead of winter with my father. He, smoking his pipe, I, my Parliament Lights. Talking. Actually talking for the first time in years – and not feeling itchy or pained. Being there – in that moment. With my father. Remember this.
Being there – just because you could be and should be. Remember this.
"We want you to be the godmother to our baby...." Remember this.
Hurting my mothers’ feelings. Owning it, and holding out my arms when I saw her telling her how much I loved her and how sorry I was. Remember this.
Letting go in love. Forgiving. Remember this.
Sylvia and the guinea pig -. Soul-mates. Remember this.
Walking the streets of London. iPod blaring ‘The City” by Joe Purdy and feeling for the first time in awhile…at peace again. Remember this.
Standing outside of a pub, Noely walking outside and just smiling at me saying, “We could be standing outside of any pub, anywhere and it’s just 15 years ago again isn’t it T?” Remember this.
Remember the laughter.
“Tarah Cammett, will you marry me?” Remember this.
Being ok enough to be alone. Remember this. Remember this.
Kisses that have sailed a thousand ships and broken a million hearts. Remember this.
The hard stuff. Love. Remember this.
The songs. Remember.
When he said, “I just need to see your face and know that you’re ok…” Please God, remember that. Because that – that is what this is all about. Giving what you get and getting what you give. Being the one that they call on their cigarette break – not the cause of it.
It’s kinda about love – in all and every form. Remember this.
Thanks for listening...
Friday, May 29, 2009
Curtains
I dozed a little bit. I keep having these sequencial thoughts….more like little dreams. When I wake up they are this hazy fog but I know that they were there….
It’s this sort of balance of reality and REM. If that’s not a metaphor, then I don’t really know what is.
I’ve been trying to wrap my arms around the term closure lately. What it means…what it requires? Is it ever really possible? To close the ure? I presume we learn to let things go…release them from ourselves the best we can but moments are moments…they are branded inside of you. You can’t close what is inside of you. Right? You just maybe have to close the door to that room.
I used to use the phrase ‘Let go in Love’ a lot. To remind myself to release things lovingly. Most times, it’s a crock of shit. Most things I release I release because they hurt and I can’t keep them with me anymore…so there’s not much love there unless I just refer to reflect inward and presume I mean love of the self. Either way you put it…letting go usually sucks.
My mind exhausts me.
Sometimes we just have no choice – someone or something slams down the window…and its shut and you can’t get in and the only way out is through a new one. Sometimes it just feels like an eternity until that new window opens and you just stand still for a bit.
Sometimes I just need to dance.
It’s this sort of balance of reality and REM. If that’s not a metaphor, then I don’t really know what is.
I’ve been trying to wrap my arms around the term closure lately. What it means…what it requires? Is it ever really possible? To close the ure? I presume we learn to let things go…release them from ourselves the best we can but moments are moments…they are branded inside of you. You can’t close what is inside of you. Right? You just maybe have to close the door to that room.
I used to use the phrase ‘Let go in Love’ a lot. To remind myself to release things lovingly. Most times, it’s a crock of shit. Most things I release I release because they hurt and I can’t keep them with me anymore…so there’s not much love there unless I just refer to reflect inward and presume I mean love of the self. Either way you put it…letting go usually sucks.
My mind exhausts me.
Sometimes we just have no choice – someone or something slams down the window…and its shut and you can’t get in and the only way out is through a new one. Sometimes it just feels like an eternity until that new window opens and you just stand still for a bit.
Sometimes I just need to dance.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
The summary
How I see it.
Girl sees boy.
Girl likes boy.
Boy sees girl.
Boy likes girl.
Boy and girl fall in love across miles, wars and countries.
Boy and girl make house.
Boy and girl fight.
Girl promised to never try to fix boy.
Girl lied.
Girl becomes angry that she can’t fix boy.
Girl takes it out on boy.
Boy is tired.
Girl asks boy to leave.
Boy leaves.
Boy comes back.
Girl still loves boy.
Boy doesn’t speak much.
Girl doesn’t ever really know what boy feels.
Girl still loves boy.
Boy leaves again.
This time – of his own accord.
Girl never hears boys voice again.
Boy has no words left for girl.
Girl is sad.
Girl misses boy.
Boy doesn’t miss girl.
Girl moves on.
Girl tries.
Girl misses boy’s voice.
Girl moves on.
Girl misses laughing.
Boy is happier without girl.
Girl is happy boy is happy.
Girl thinks.
Girl moves on.
Girl thinks.
Girl sees boy.
Girl likes boy.
Boy sees girl.
Boy likes girl.
Boy and girl fall in love across miles, wars and countries.
Boy and girl make house.
Boy and girl fight.
Girl promised to never try to fix boy.
Girl lied.
Girl becomes angry that she can’t fix boy.
Girl takes it out on boy.
Boy is tired.
Girl asks boy to leave.
Boy leaves.
Boy comes back.
Girl still loves boy.
Boy doesn’t speak much.
Girl doesn’t ever really know what boy feels.
Girl still loves boy.
Boy leaves again.
This time – of his own accord.
Girl never hears boys voice again.
Boy has no words left for girl.
Girl is sad.
Girl misses boy.
Boy doesn’t miss girl.
Girl moves on.
Girl tries.
Girl misses boy’s voice.
Girl moves on.
Girl misses laughing.
Boy is happier without girl.
Girl is happy boy is happy.
Girl thinks.
Girl moves on.
Girl thinks.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Birds Chirping...
Pretty soon my alarm is going to go off…I’ve been laying awake for hours now. Couldn’t fall asleep or stay asleep last night…my eyes are heavy.
Mondays. They suck.
I had this incredibly beautiful weekend, laced with a little sadness but all in all, for a birthday weekend, (or more so a birthday weekend for me which is usually filled with a lot of emotional mishaps and disappointment) I fared pretty well. This is what happens when you are surrounded by incredible souls who just want to see their friend smile. I have many amazing gifts. They are called my friends.
And, perhaps maybe I’m just getting old enough and wise enough to realize that there isn’t much I can control anymore. Things are where they are. No, I don’t have a white picket fence and a baby in a bassinet but I’ve got a lot and for now, it’s time to just get good with that. Ride the wave. Just ride the wave….
Ultimately, it’s time to just keep weeding the shit out of my garden until it looks as it should. And preferably, it will look very pretty in the end.
It’s all about the rally.
Mondays. They suck.
I had this incredibly beautiful weekend, laced with a little sadness but all in all, for a birthday weekend, (or more so a birthday weekend for me which is usually filled with a lot of emotional mishaps and disappointment) I fared pretty well. This is what happens when you are surrounded by incredible souls who just want to see their friend smile. I have many amazing gifts. They are called my friends.
And, perhaps maybe I’m just getting old enough and wise enough to realize that there isn’t much I can control anymore. Things are where they are. No, I don’t have a white picket fence and a baby in a bassinet but I’ve got a lot and for now, it’s time to just get good with that. Ride the wave. Just ride the wave….
Ultimately, it’s time to just keep weeding the shit out of my garden until it looks as it should. And preferably, it will look very pretty in the end.
It’s all about the rally.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)