It comes in waves. This process. Good days, bad days, mediocre days. Just days. I feel very ‘hazy’ lately. Not in my actions, but internally. My friend Holli tells me that I’m ‘blocking’. I know she’s right. Something isn’t getting through that’s supposed to. I’m not sure why but I have a complete inability to ‘open myself up’ to the universe.
I am blocked.
How do I know what to do about that? I’m not sure. I’ve tried all of the standard approaches. Maybe what I haven’t really tried is just being. Just accepting. It’s clear that my path right now is getting right with this so called solitude but I am resisting it at every turn. Why?
There’s this rage lately. Like, I could smash everything to bits. I am not a person who feels rage. But its there. Like a burning fucking inferno its there. I feel completely filled with this unpronounceable rage.
There are seven stages of grief. The anger bit is only stage 3. I’m screwed. 4 more? Seriously? This process feels like a million miles and there isn’t an end of the road in sight. I am trying to get it – but I just don’t.
And for inquiring minds, yes, I’m smoking again. I suck. It’s disgusting. I feel like shit, they taste like shit but it is what it is right now. It’s stormy here these days. What can I say?
4 comments:
Tarah - if you aren't doing it already, you should go to church, and pray. Over and over again. God loves you, and wants to help. I'm not being ironic, just anonymous.
There are no 7 stages, no 5 keys to happiness. Nothing else works, especially frameworks produced by psychologists. If you submit to God's will, and stop trying to figure it out, or trying to analyze it, then you will find peace.
Also, if you can find some time, read this book, it is short: CS Lewis, "The Problem of Pain". In it, he says:
"God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world."
Love, a friend
Uh, that just made me laugh out loud.
Although I appreciate the suggestion 'Anonymous' - I don't do church. Or God in cult like organized religious form. But thanks. My opinion of 'God' is simple - he was created by and is worshiped by those who don't have the ability to believe in themselves.
Best,
T.
Then skip church, it's mostly boring if you don't believe in it.
If nothing else, check out one of these two by CS Lewis: "Mere Christianity" or "Problem of Pain". The first one is probably a better recommendation. Lewis was an Oxford professor, and, exactly like you, viewed religion as a crutch for the weak, until his 30's. He's not some crackpot anonymous blog commenter.
You'll get something out of the book regardless. Worse case scenario, you get a better appreciation for why people believe in something beyond themselves. A lot of people do, so as a marketer, it offers you professional benefits?
Mmmmm....slight stretch with the marketing bit. I market something tangible. There's a difference.
Again, I do appreciate the suggestions. Doubtful I'll buy the book but that's not to say I won't at least read the back of the cover. (-;
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