I had driven at mock speed to get there. My ocean. My Amelia – my life-long best friend since the 4th grade. The girl who, besides my sister, knows me better than I know myself. Pulling off the exit I roll down all of the windows and breathe in the salt air. A calm rushes over me. I am safe here.
I turn into their long driveway and see the lights on. Thank God. I throw my bag over my shoulder, cut through the garage and push through the kitchen door flashing my best, Yay, I’m so excited to be home and see you guys, smile. Tyler, Amelia’s husband is standing in the kitchen. “T!” he exclaims walking swiftly toward me. “I need a TT hug!” he says as he scoops me up, kisses me on the cheek and bear hugs me. “We’ve missed you!” It takes every fiber of my being not to collapse in his arms. He’s become like a brother and I adore him. After he finally releases me, “Wine” he asks? I give him the nod and he scurries to the wine fridge.
“Hi TT,” my best friend says as she looks up from her magazine. She flashes me a smile with the whitest teeth known to man. I sigh at her and bend down to kiss her on her head. She looks so pretty with her long wavy caramel hair and slate blue eyes. She’s happy. “Hey.” I sigh again. She knows immediately something isn’t right. “Jesus Christ T! Have you eaten lately? I’ve never seen you this skinny!” “It’s been a shitty few months,” I retort. I teeter on the brink. Exhaustion, devastation seeping in and I’m finally safe. Tyler reappears with my favorite Sauvignon Blanc. I welcome it and we all toast. Tyler with his dark black hair and childlike dancing dark eyes puts his arm around Amelia and squeezes her - trying to steal a kiss. She wiggles away. She’s loving but not affectionate and I think he does it partially to torture her. She rolls her eyes at me and swats him away.
Amelia stares at me quizzically. She knows I’ll speak when I’m ready. She doesn’t push. I take in the enormity of their home. We still seem so young to have all of this. “You painted the kitchen?” I ask, looking around. Everything is pink and green. Very Amelia. “Yes, isn’t it awesome?” – She knows I hate it. Personally, I would prefer everything is painted black these days anyway, so I roll my eyes at her and grin, “For you, yes, I love it.” We have very different tastes. We all know this. “Let’s sit on the porch, it’s nice out tonight,” she stands up motioning to the door. I follow. I breathe more relief.
The wine flows easily between us. I’m quickly buzzed having not eaten for two days and having not slept in what feels like months. She’s had just about enough of waiting for me to spill it and her patience is waning. I know her too well. I stare into space and in mid conversation I whisper, “I’ve been having an affair with...” I can’t say the rest of the words. They disgust me. I’m so ashamed. Here my best friend is newly married and I’m trashing the sanctity of it. “I mean, he’s married, but he’s not – they are separated…now. It’s complicated.” I’m terrified to look at her. Fearful that she’ll judge me. I judge myself ferociously – why wouldn’t she? I’m now sobbing uncontrollably. There is no pride in any of this. Tyler watches quietly. Without a flinch she looks right into my eyes and says, “Obviously. Do you think I’m an idiot? All of those secret calls when you visit, you randomly disappearing and then randomly showing up back here. Me asking you about your life and you giving me no answers. I knew you were into something fucked up. I’ve just been waiting for you to tell me what it was. Now, tell me everything about him,” she says devilishly as if I just handed her my own personal version of People magazine. She’s obviously been waiting awhile for this moment. I look at Tyler with disbelief, he shrugs. “We love you T.” I’m stupefied. Relieved. Still sobbing in shame. She’s my best friend, she knows I can’t get through this without her and she provides a shelter for my confessions. I am safe.
The weekend passes far too quickly. Since I’m home, all of the girls gather. Everyone has returned back to the ocean to settle into their lives. I can always find them there. Tyler is happy to have the house buzzing with guests. We cook. We drink. We laugh. For a time, in moments, I feel normal again. Until I think of him and my stomach wrenches and chokes me. But it's less and I feel a glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe there's a chance for me to get myself out of this. Maybe.
It’s Sunday and we’re sitting on the beach. It’s a gorgeous day. The pit in my stomach grows knowing that I have to go back tonight. Back to the silence. It’s been so good for me being here - being surrounded by life. “I don’t want to go back,” I whisper to the Universe. Amelia finally looks and me and says, “Listen, I’m not going to lecture you because clearly you’re not in a good place – and I know you’re trying to do the right thing with this Dr. Weirdo. But you need to get away from this guy. At least until he’s sorted his life out. I know you love him but this isn’t good TT. Look at you.” “ I know.” I say staring out at the water. “He’s gone anyway,” I say blinking back tears. “He’ll be back Tarah. You know that. It’s just a matter of what you choose to do when he returns.” “I know.” I have no argument, defense or logic. I run down the beach and dive into the ocean. I float and listen to myself breathe for what seems like hours.
After awhile I meander back to the blanket and Amelia is staring with an annoyed look in her eyes. “Someone clearly wants to talk to you….” she says as she passes me my phone. 5 Missed calls. 2 Voice Mails. 4 Texts. 1 Email. Him. He’s back and he's back with a vengeance. His timing is fucking impeccable as always.
I throw my phone down, run back to the water and disappear into the waves.
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