"I just need to release it. I need to tell myself that it’s ok to let it go now. Maybe if I let it go I can let go of the disappointment I create before anyone can even get close to me which I use as my excuse to retreat behind the security of impenetrable walls. Maybe if I let it go, forgive you, myself and release that hope I can find the peace that has escaped me for what now feels like a lifetime.

If I was to be honest, I can admit that by holding on to it…I was still holding on to you. If I had let it leave me it would’ve meant that you were leaving me and it was all that I had left so I carried it with me everywhere. I think you have done the same as well. I don’t think I can do that anymore. I don’t think you should do it anymore either.

You and I had all of these moments and chances. We failed miserably at making them into something great. I remember one time, sitting on my back steps at Columbus Ave and you called me. You talked to me about our foundation…the house analogy. That our foundation was broken but that we could fill in the cracks and build a stronger house. We never built that house.

This process of grieving is difficult. I progress and then regress. I find myself hating, loving, and missing in so many moments. I let stuff in. I let stuff out. Last night I broke through another barrier within myself. I was forced to recognize that although outwardly I’ve been existing in what most would see as a progressive life, internally, I’ve never left where I was 5 years ago. In some ways, perhaps. In most however, I’ve still been waiting for you to turn around in that hotel room and choose me. I’ve been staring at empty doorways waiting for you to return ever since."

What If...

I’ve sort of had this odd energy lately. These “what if’s” buzzing quietly around my head. I’m not really a “what if” type of gal so I find it all unsettling. I’ve always believed that you are exactly where you are supposed to be, I don’t question much.

I keep worrying about what if I missed a window? What if there was a moment that was supposed to bring me somewhere else and I didn’t see it? What if I walked right by it? What if I let it go without knowing what it meant? What if that window was my chance at something more and I was too tired, ignorant or afraid and now that chance has disappeared. What if, there is never anything more again except wondering what if I had done things differently? What if, in fact, this is actually not where I am supposed to be?

How can I possibly challenge what innately has been my mantra for the majority of my life. And more so, why - because what I have, where I am - should be enough?

I presume it’s a stage of something…some strange reckoning of the soul which I will ultimately transcend out of with some higher spiritual enlightenment but for right now, it looms everywhere around me. In everything I see and touch. What...if…

Can't

Seem to write these days. Thoughts float. They come in. They go out. Nothing ties together to make any sense. I go in. I go out.

It was 5 degrees driving home tonight. That's all I got.

Sometimes, I presume it's ok to be a blank canvas. Perhaps my spirit sits in waiting for the next bit of amazing to arrive.

Thanks for listening.

Sitting in the kitchen. Windows open. Blizzard. Snow drifts wafting through the screen and falling on my face. The cold feels good.

Today I started crying. I didn't stop. For hours. I haven't cried in quite some time. Perhaps it is because I rallied through two holidays. Quite well I might add. I have been pushing. Persevering. Being. Accepting. And then I broke a bit today. It's not a woe is me pity thing. It happens. We as humans have emotions. They need to come out. They came out.

I'm not sure what I was crying for. Perhaps the memory. Perhaps that at 36 I feel so far away from the things I believe truly matter. Perhaps because it's a blizzard and though I could be surrounded right now I chose to be here, hiding in my kitchen with the windows open, blowing cold air on my face, thinking. Writing. Perhaps it's because I can't change time and space and decisions long since past. Perhaps it's because I'm just a girl sometimes, who likes to be alone, listen to sad songs and think about that which I can't control.

I want to save the world. Myself included. I want everyone to be happy, filled with love - with peace. I want smiles and unicorns and rainbows. I want the intangible.

And so I sit. I my kitchen. With my wine and my smokes, staring into a storm and wondering how it is that I will shovel myself out. Literally, and figuratively.

I have been waiting for a long time to know the answer. There is so much beauty cept that one little widget that won't seem to sort itself. I wish it would. I wish I would.

And so this is Christmas...

And what have you done? Another year over...a new one's just begun.

My wish for the universe is quite simple....to get to a place in which we embrace life's shit storms, coast through them and treasure the beautiful bits - because amongst the chaos there are still many.

It's quite simple really....

Happy Christmas.

Gimme gimme

I’ve been trying lately to dissect the concept of wanting what we can’t have.  I do believe for many years I subscribed greatly to that.  The thrill of the chase and all.  And then, it stopped one day because I really wanted what I couldn’t have and not because I couldn’t have it, but because I loved it.  I loved him.  And well, then the game wasn’t so fun anymore.  It hurt.  So, I stopped playing.

I believe it’s difficult to appreciate the things, the people in our lives in a way that sort of transcends all of the everyday bullshit.  We are so easily distracted by pretty things and take for granted the simplicity of love.  The real kind of love when someone stays by your side has your back – even when we catch ourselves banging against walls.  The concept of ‘leaving’ is no longer a notion.  There is no greener grass.  There are certainly other ‘things’ but if you can’t find a way to love all that is around you, regardless of the variations and formations it all may take, well, then you’ll just keep searching under rocks and behind shadows forever.  Because eventually, you will come to find, that what you can’t have has nothing to do with anyone else.  It has to do with you.  And if it’s not in your life, then it’s not supposed to be.

I’m not sure why my mind is spinning in circles about this lately.  Perhaps it’s because I’ve broken through something and I no longer feel held or compelled to search anywhere outside of my reality for things far ‘greater’.  The universe gives you gifts.  These gifts come in the form of people.  In the form of moments - even shitty ones.  If you don’t embrace them, you will lose them.  We miss windows all the time because we are too busy looking outside of them, backwards and beyond them as opposed to at them.  We have these chances, and when we become too consumed with what they mean, what they will be, what they will bring us as opposed to looking very simply at what they are - we skew their very purpose.

There is a reason to simplify.  There is a reason to believe that your life is of your making and creation.  There is a reason to love the gifts you’ve been living.  There is a reason to stop fucking bitching and wanting something more.  There is a reason to stop being afraid that this life is exactly all you’ll ever get and be.  Because when you stand in the cold air and you watch your steamy breath and your eyes blink from sunlight….that is enough.  That is all there is.  There is nothing more to want or to have.  There is no ellipsis. 

Anyway, I guess it’s about gratitude and wanting what you have.  Not what you don’t. 

Thanks for listening.

30,000

Feet in the air.  Tired.  Want a shower.  Want my bed.  Want a hug.  Annoyed by people reading my computer screen and not minding their P's & Q's (yah, dude next to me that means you...). Feeling like my ass is flat as a pancake from sitting on it in endless days of meetings, planes, cars...more planes...Mildly crabby and just want to get home to my big empty house with an overflowing mailbox to greet me.


I want to be laying on the ground, breathing cold fresh air with this as my view....giggling....Sigh.

Thanks for listening to my whiny rant.